The Ink Valve

'''ISSUE #1 DECEMBER 2012 ''' AS TEMPERATURES PLUMMET, WINTER COATS BACK IN VOGUE

ICU Hampy, the popular missed connections Website that has student hormones raging, was revealed Wednesday to be a prolonged psychiatric study conducted by Hampshire faculty. The purpose of the study, according to a professor who wishes to remain anonymous, was to learn about techniques students use to cope with their budding sexuality and chronic fear of rejection. “There have been a number of interesting findings,” she continues. “Most notably, we’ve observed a strong correlation between how lonely a student is and how often they wrongly assume posts are about them.” Indeed, the study has strong implications for the future of social interactions at Hampshire—students are already lamenting the regression to antiquated methods of “approaching” potential hookups, and “talking to them.” Second year Sarah McGillicuddy says she will continue to use the website, despite the fact that is a scientific experiment. “Without ICU Hampy how will the EMT with locks of auburn know I’m into him?” When asked to comment on the future of the blog, one faculty member stated simply, “As long as students get some, they don’t seem to care about being exploited for science.”

ACTIVISM NEWS Hampshire College activists protested protests protesting protesters protesting the protest protesting protester protesting protest protesters. “Is this what democracy looks like?” students chanted halfheartedly at Friday’s protest on the library lawn.

LAST STUDENT TO SEE NIRVANA SCHEDULED TO GRADUATE Allen Freewelling IV, the last remaining Hampshire student to attend the legendary SAGA concert of 1990, is putting the final touches on his Div. 3 this semester. The student describes the project, an anthropological survey of vegan-punk octogenarians, as “Totally boring compared to that epic night.” After having his lips personally moistened by Kurt Cobain’s sweat during a blazin’ guitar solo, it’s easy to understand why Allen was unable to focus on his studies until 2011. “It’s taken me nearly twenty years, but I’ve finally realized I won’t achieve that night’s level of radicalness ever again. It’s a tough pill to swallow, but I love pills so I’ll swallow it anyway.” When asked to comment on their son’s atypical college experience, Freewelling’s parents state that they are now on the verge of bankruptcy. “This Cobain fellow is about to receive a scathing email from our lawyer,” they said.

NEWS FLASH: Emotionally stable first year with zest for life and happy-go-lucky attitude finds it difficult to assimilate into Hampshire’s moody, self-depreciating social scene.

RE-RAD OF HAMPSHIRE CONFUSED ABOUT WHETHER GROUP IS ACTUALLY REACTIONARY “We aim to return this once great land to the way our forefather Franklin Patterson envisioned,” said a spokesperson for the conservative organization.

INK VALVE INTERVIEWS HEXTER On the top floor of the highest turret in Hexter Heights Castle, I sit down while former Hampshire President Ralph Hexter pours me a Cappuccino from the stove. He is wearing a silk robe with “Hexo-maniac” embroidered across the back. As Hexter perches his buttocks regally upon a golden throne, I burn my tongue on the drink. “I made it too hot on purpose!” Hexter cackles in his characteristic smoker’s rasp. Why did you come here?” “To seek the truth,” I reply. Ralph Hexter: I have been expecting this visit for a while now. It was only a matter of time before you fools awoke from your blue dreamed slumber. I have been growing rather bored, actually, which may explain my uncharacteristic willingness to converse with a lowly student such as yourself. Ink Valve: Thank you, Dr. Hexter. RH: Please, call me Ralph. IV: So tell me, Ralph, what have you been plotting since you “stepped down” as Hampshire’s president? RH: Well, I began by making the Hub extremely difficult to use. I knew that poorly titled links, constant maintenance, and tiny fonts would make it impossible to register for Jan Term and Spring Classes. IV: Is this why we’ve seen record highs in waitlisting and severe academic indecision among first years? RH: The student body is nothing more than a bunch of dogs chasing each other around the park. Don’t fault me for throwing a few tennis balls over the fence. IV: What about Jonathan Lash’s uncontrollable craving for Antonio’s Pizza? Early reports indicate he spent nearly 35% of the budget on tomato basil and mozzarella slices alone. RH: Ahh yes, I was wondering when someone would notice. Granting him unlimited pizza was but one of the ways I persuaded him to… re-think his priorities. IV: Are you suggesting that Jonathan Lash works in your interest? RH: He does everything on his own volition. We simply happen to agree on most - if not all - of the decisions that have been made. IV: Did you happen to agree with last year’s decision, in Mr. Lash’s own words, “To widen the applicant pool?” RH: To be perfectly frank, that was all Johnny’s idea. But I must say the results have been both humorous and enlightening. A record number of first years have never heard of Neutral Milk Hotel! IV: One last question, Ralph. Was it you who nominated Jack Johnson for commencement speaker? RH: I’ll never tell! Hexter works in mysterious ways…

POLICE BLOTTER At 2:30 AM last Sunday, Public Safety responded to fire alarms and bedraggled students outside the northern Prescott tower. Reports indicate that a student, under the influence of alcohol, marihuana, and other substances yet to be determined, removed a fire extinguisher from the wall of the mod common room. He proceeded to pull the pin of the device and spray fire extinguishing vapors throughout the room with reckless abandon, while unfortunate witnesses shouted things like, “No!” and “Please stop!” Fire authorities questioned residents of the mod about the identity of the fire-alarm felon, to which they responded, “It was some drunk kid.” The residents were asked to seek refuge outside of the mod until cleanup was competed the next day, but one student remained in bed and did not wake up at any time during the incident.

STUDENT COMPLAINS OF POLICE BRUTALITY AFTER RUN-IN WITH PUBLIC SAFETY Friday night, a Merrill student was found passed out in a puddle of urine. Campus Police approached the young man who refused to provide his name, but threatened to file a complaint. “They spoke with an offensive degree of impatience and refused to say ‘please’ as they ushered me into the cruiser to drive me back to my mod.”

NEWS FLASH: Fourth Year Student Continues to Tell Stories About High School. “One time I saw my AP English teacher smoking a joint behind the gym. My high school was like… really crazy,” the young man said, speaking from the Greenwich couch he has occupied most of his college career. “To be honest, I haven’t had a meaningful experience since I was sixteen.”

TRIP OR TREAT ROUNDUP: COLLEGE SPENDS $52,135 ON SHORT-LIVED CELEBRATION.

Decrepit, moldy housing and inadequate facilities briefly appear beautiful in light cast by spectacular firework display... In spite of efforts to educate students about the offensiveness of certain Halloween costumes, 99% of guests arrived dressed as Native Americans. The other 1% dressed as characters from Moonrise Kingdom... Fourth year on MDMA declares “rustic” hayride from bus circle to the Hampshire farm “best thing I’ve ever done.”

ANTHROPOLOGY STUDENT LAMENTS HARSHIPS OF FIRST WORLD COMFORT “Woe is me,” cried one student of anthropology and outsider art last week. “It is simply not fair that I am expected to engage in the personal lives of the world’s poor when my parents still haven’t paid my passport application fee!” The student, whose Division III is in expected in May or perhaps some years later, continued to enumerate the unbearable inconveniences of modern life. “I can hardly sit down to write about the struggles of impoverished farmhands without logging into check whether someone upvoted to my hilarious post on reddit. And when I finally have some free time to watch television, I waste it flipping through all 800 channels.” When asked about a personal connection to the Div III topic, the student replied that their grandparents once donated through Heifer International.

NEW PUBLIC WORKS INITIATIVE TO BE INTRODUCED TO GREENWICH BOROUGH Last week, representatives from the Greenwich Village Community Council approved a far-reaching agenda to improve the 240-person town’s public infrastructure. Forthcoming renovations include fixes to the municipal water supply and significant improvements to the town buildings. Community outreach is at an all time high. “These public works projects cannot come fast enough,” remarked a disgruntled citizen of the decrepit New England hamlet. “I had grown so used to plywood that it only seemed natural to outfit my townhome’s new addition in higher-grade balsa.”

VIOLENCE ESCALATES AS TURF WARS CONTINUE BETWEEN DAKIN AND MERRILL Last week, armed guerillas from Merrill attacked a Dakin common area in connection with ongoing demographic strife on the Dakin/Merrill border. The insurgents lobbed Molotov cocktails into a common room, unaware that the subjugated Dakinites had fled to smoke marijuana in the woods. Upon returning to the scene of the attack, confused and now-homeless residents were in a state of shock. “This totally killed my buzz,” a first year remarked.

THIRD YEAR RAPPER CONFESSES TO “WRITING MORE PAPER” THAN HE EARNS Song “Ten Social Science Essay Commandments” Hits #12 on Prescott Charts. “I been at this school for years, it made me a animal. The rules to this shit, I wrote me a manual… Don’t fuckin’ stray from the M.L.A, Ayn Rand is passé, and yeah I study ballet… Number Seven: This rule is so underrated, keep your footnotes and your thesis completely separated.” ←↑→↓←↑→ NEXT ISSUE TO INCLUDE DOZENS OF RIVETING STORIES…

STUDENTS PROTEST MEAL PLAN BY EATING EXCLUSIVELY AT THE BRIDGE

THE GUY WHO DRINKS ALL THE LIQUOR IN YOUR MOD’S FREEZER PENS STARTLING CONFESSION

ONE ALUM’S SUCCESS STORY: HOW MY NON-PROFIT HELPED ME RETIRE EARLY

HEIRESS CUM SECOND YEAR LAMENTS RISING THRIFT SHOP PRICES

STUDENT ATTENDS CLASS HIGH, PROFESSOR ASSUMES HEAD COLD

FOURTH-YEAR NARCISCIST PROCLAIMS DIV. ME “BEST EVER”

NEW DIVISION III CARREL DESIGN TO INCLUDE MINI-BAR

DEFECTOR FROM COMMUNAL LIVING MOD SEEKS REPAYMENT FOR MISSING EGGS

OPINION POLL: DOCUMENTARY DECLARED MOST POPULAR GENRE AMONG FILM STUDENTS—ROMANTIC COMEDY AND “BUDDY-COP” COME IN CLOSE SECOND.

ART BARN TO BE RENAMED “ART MANGER” FOLLOWING INTERVENTION BY FUNDAMENTALIST CHRISTIAN GROUP

FIRST YEAR DECIDES BUYING CLOTHES AT SALVATION ARMY TOO MAINSTREAM, SHOPS EXCLUSIVELY IN DAKIN LAUNDRY ROOM

ISSUE #2 - JANUARY 2013 THE INK VALVE Now printed on 100% recycled omens

CONGRESS ASKS WEALTHIEST 1% TO THROW ON FISCAL SPLIFF

OPEN SEASON FOR PRIMITIVE SKILLS CLUB: CAMPUS RABBITS SOON TO BE NOT SO ABUNDANT The Primitive Skills Club, which has mutilated the corpses of furry woodland creatures since 1987, armed its members with slingshots and burlap bags this Saturday as the first annual campus hunting season commenced. The most bloodthirsty students will be competing for the grand prize: a pointy rock for skinning the adorable Lagomorphs. Mythos has agreed to join their mission. Says Grand Warlock Timothy McDougal, “We’ve grown weary of smacking each other with foam swords, and are looking forward to applying our dragon-slaying skills in the real world.” Literature concentrators are rereading “Most Dangerous Game” and “Watership Down” in honor of the event, and in a surprising twist, PETA’s Amherst Chapter supports the hunt, stating that “Most animals shouldn’t be killed but squirrels and rabbits are very annoying.”

ATTENTION: ALL HAMPSHIRE STUDENTS FEARING EMOTIONAL BREAKDOWN—PLEASE POSTPONE IT FOR THREE WEEKS. THIS IS HOW LONG IT WILL TAKE TO SCHEDULE AN APPOINTMENT AT HEALTH SERVICES

CAMPUS POLICE TO INTERVINE IN ONGOING DAKIN/MERRILL TURF WAR "We plan to bring about a peaceful resolution to the conflict through a combination of campus dialogue and Hampshire-subsidized pizza, including vegan and paleolithic options," one spokesperson for Public Safety commented last Wednesday.

HISTORICAL SPORTS RE-ENACTMENT SOCIETY ESTABLISHED Activities include wood-racket-and-powdered-wig tennis, weightlifting with mustaches, and racing bicycles with enormous front wheels. Staff are pleased: “This is the first time we’ve seen anyone use the tennis courts for non-tripping related reasons.”

STUDENTS APPEAL TO UNITED NATIONS During last semester's finals, a group of distressed citizen-students within the schools of Cognitive Dissonance and Critical Subversion formed a loose coalition to contact the United Nations Security Council, demanding that they attend an advisory committee overseen by no less than two Hampshire students. The goal: a thorough deconstruction of its definitive 1948 Declaration of Human Rights. The academic community of activist-intellectuals and two self-identified warrior-poets has been regarded highly in the past for contributing to esteemed academic journals that engage in post-hegemonic neocolonial critical research theory, nouveau didactic quasi-modern shamanism, and the social studies. Asked to explain how the movement came about, a leader of the student initiative said, "We were all in class last Tuesday and during the discussion, someone pointed out that the U.N. is like, totally fucked." This student's comment in class about how the U.N. was like, totally fucked in regards to human rights policy set off a chain reaction of cathartic grumbling and sloganeering. After a sixteen-week course about international legal non-obligationism and post-novel critical intellectualism, the over-read students set about their task. The U.N. agreed to attend the committee, and after a moment of silence for Yugoslavia, Rwanda, and the late Ralph Hexter, the student session began with a collective and outspoken renunciation of privilege, followed by a friendly non-denominational holiday greeting. An impassioned critique of the "disconstructible, and in fact astructured framing" of contemporary human rights law soon followed, and the debate lasted four hours. The coalition eventually decided to completely disassemble the Universal Declaration of Human Rights in favor a new version written exclusively by Hampshire students, using theoretical methods of "centralized anti-hegemonic egalitarian penury" to ensure that no world citizen has a different standard of living than another. Remarking on the tone of the debate, one U.N. delegate said, "Letting the students have their way was far easier than attempting an actual discourse on the issue. Lets hope it works out.”  The students celebrated their victory with beer and pizza.

SEARCH CONTINUES FOR OPRA’S MISSING MOUNTAIN CLIMBING CLASS If you have any information on the thirteen Hampshire students that disappeared after a Jan-term trip to the Berkshires, please contact the President’s Office immediately. According to one official, “We have pretty much no leads.”

ASSASSINATION ORDERS AND PLANS FOR COUP ENCIPHERED WITHIN EXTREMELY LONG, UNREAD OMEN ARTICLES Our investigative journalism department recently came into possession of an interesting copy of The Omen, marked up by an anonymous insurgent who decoded its hidden message: Instructions to set in motion a violent upheaval of the Board of Trustees. A concerned community member discovered the plot after moving the hundredth discarded copy of The Omen to the correct recycling bin. "This one was different," the informant explained, "it looked like someone really spent a lot of time with it." The student did the right thing and handed the decoded issue to our editors instead of proper authorities. Look for the hidden message decoded in next week’s Ink Valve!

ENFIELD RESIDENTS SURPRISED BY NEW GUESTS A skunk and an opossum have recently made their homes in the Enfield community. Witnesses agree that they have grown larger over time. Neither has attacked a human, but one resident says the opossum “looks scary.” Only days ago, the furry visitors were spotted together, prompting Enfielders to conclude that the two are now “going steady.” Stay tuned for updates on the state of the inter-species relationship and soon-to-come, an exclusive interview with the couple.

TROUBLE IN PARADISE Darien, Connecticut—-As fourth year Patricia Carrion-Fitzgerald collapsed onto a sofa in her family’s twelve-room home, she let out a groan—the sound of ennui and nicotine withdrawal. “At first, we were so happy to have our oldest child back for the holidays,” said mother Catharine Carrion. “Pat’s about to graduate from college and find her place in the working world. Yet she sleeps all day, leaves dirty clothes on the floor, dishes in the sink—she grumbles when asked to take out the trash and is generally grouchy, unpleasant, and never has a word of gratitude. When I gave her twenty dollars yesterday she grunted—I think that’s her way of saying, ‘thanks, mom’.” “She borrows my Volvo and forgets what she did with the keys,” reported Alan Fitzgerald. “When I told Patricia she made me late for work, she told me to ‘take a chill pill.’ Which is ironic because all of the Oxycodone I was prescribed after my bunion surgery has gone missing.” “Whenever I listen to Justin Bieber, my sister rolls her eyes and tells me I’m the spawn of popular culture,” said Emily Carrion-Fitzgerald, age twelve. Emily did not know that Patricia has enjoyed dubstep remixes of Lady Gaga’s “Poker Face” at several mod parties. Since returning home in early December, Patricia Carrion-Fitzgerald, 21, has grown to despise the refrigerator stocked with her favorite foods, weekly visits from a housekeeping service, a private bathroom, doting relatives, down pillows, high-definition televisions, a dishwasher, and pleasant, tasteful décor. Sources tell us that her Prescott mod looks like Dresden in the spring of 1945. Christmas morning brought a fresh crop of disappointment: a new pair of boots that “won’t go with anything” and a Visa gift card that cannot be honored at R&P Liquors. “If 1 more person asks me what Im doing after graduation Im going 2 explode,” she texted an occasional hookup under the dinner table. The miserable conditions in Darien forced Patricia back to school fifteen days early. Greeted by the smell of rotting food and stale cigarette smoke in her frigid, empty mod, she immediately burst into tears of happiness.

NEWS FLASH: Delegation of Hampshire Fashionistas’ Unanimous Vote: Carhartts, Doc Martens, and coveralls no longer just for “working” people

ADVICE FROM A REAL THERAPIST

Dear Ink Valve, I’ve been rejected by every Brooklyn gallery internship I applied to. Now I have to move back in with my parents :( Should I tell them about my drug addiction? Best Wishes, Nodding in NoHo

To Noddy, No way, bro. Substance abuse is the only sure ticket to a life of fame in the art world, but you already knew that. Just keep banging that shit in your dad’s basement—you’re almost there!

Dear Inky, I just got these cool new horn-rimmed glasses, but I’m an individual and my choice of eyewear needs to reflect that. Any suggestions? Love, Special and Spectacled

Special Specs, Have you considered wearing two monocles?

Dear hip, relevant publication, I’ve been wearing a poncho for years now, but ever since starting at Hampshire, I’ve gotten all kinds of shit for it. I don’t understand. I bought it from a villager on a service trip to Peru and my parent’s gardener has NEVER said he was offended by it. Does wearing a poncho make me an asshole? Regards, Confused from Connecticut

Dear Hippy, I promise, it’s not the poncho.

The Therapist, I can’t get enough of the delightful, buffet-style offerings at SAGA, but I’m writing from the seat of my social science class where I am currently sitting on a fresh turd. Help! Sincerely, Shitty Day

You should know by now: S(hitting) A(ll) G(oddamn) A(fternoon). Are there any crusties in your class? If so, try sitting between them.

Hi T, I spend most of my time hanging out and partying. How can I become more enthusiastic about school? Thanks, Unmotivated in Merrill

Slothy, Have you tried paying for you own education? ←↑→↓←↑→

DIVISION III UPDATE: FRIENDSHIPS DETERIORATE AS “CRITICAL ROOMMATE ETHNOGRAPHY” PROGRESSES

ENLIGHTENMENT REACHED IN ZEN GARDEN Last Sunday, second-year Herbert “Herb” Wigglesworth awoke from a trance to find himself sitting cross-legged and nude in the Hampshire Zen Garden. Emerging from the woods near Greenwich, one passerby asked where he was coming from. “Far out,” he replied. In an exclusive interview, Wigglesworth told an Ink Valve reporter that the skies had opened up above him and the earth had split away beneath him. “I found a place for Peace, a place of ancient harmonies.” Wigglesworth, who is a recently approved Division II religion concentrator, says that the only explanation for his experience is that he had reached Nirvana. I had the privilege of walking in the Zen Garden with Herbert. The self-proclaimed “Dalai Llama of the Pioneer Valley” would point to a lump of dirt explaining, “This is where Mara rose out of the earth to tempt me.” Though Wigglesworth claims to be a free man full of all the wisdom the world has to offer, his parents are insisting that he finish his finals and reconsider the dreadlocks he’s started to grow. Since his emergence from the woods, Herb has made an effort to revamp his style by wearing free trade clothing, drinking organic coffee, and looking up to the moon every night during his bedtime cigarette.

GOTH THURSDAY DISAPPOINTS FOURTH YEAR ANTICIPATING ALIENATING AFFAIR “I spent the afternoon preparing—dyed my hair, black clothes, fishnets. I thought I was going to sit on a couch and drink myself to sleep while listening to Joy Division — or at least take some Ketamine and roll around on the floor, moaning,” said the student from her NoHo apartment. “The Prescott Mod was packed with first years. No one I knew was there except for all my closest friends. Everyone was way too happy.” The student left after the crowd began performing the Macarena.

THE INK VALVE REVIEWS DJANGO UNCHAINED In the subtle style for which he is known, our generation’s greatest director delivers us yet another beautiful and intricately composed masterpiece… A perfectly constructed portrayal of the American South during times of slavery, it will permanently ameliorate your understanding of race relations in our nation. A must-see film.

NEXT ISSUE TO INCLUDE DOZENS OF RIVETING STORIES…

FIRST YEAR FULFILLS CEL-1 REQUIREMENT BY CONTRIBUTING TO WEEKLY BLUNT

JONATHAN LASH STILL STRUGGLING TO LEARN THOUSANDS OF ACRONYMS

THIRD YEAR RENTING OFF CAMPUS APARTMENT FEELS “GROWN UP” AND “INDEPENDENT”

TEACHER’S ASSISTANT SPENDS MOST OF CLASS KNITTING, WILL BRING SPINNING WHEEL TO SCREENING NEXT WEEK

STUDENT BRINGS FIVE-COURSE DINNER TO CLASS IN MALODOROUS MASON JARS

MAILROOM UNKNOWINGLY AIDS DRUG TRAFFICKERS

BRILLIANT, WELL SPOKEN PROFESSOR FROM ANOTHER COUNTRY CONSISTENTLY IMITATED BY STUDENTS IN THICKLY ACCENTED ENGLISH

FIRST ANNUAL RALPH HEXTER MONTH TO BE CELEBRATED APRIL 2045

STUDENT FROM FLORIDA COMPLAINS ABOUT WEATHER FOR SIX MONTHS

THE INK VALVE WINS PLATINUM AWARD FOR JOURNALISTIC INTEGRITY!

SAGA CHICKEN NUGGET LUNCH COMES AT JUST THE RIGHT TIME FOR HARRIED FIRST YEAR

VIDEO CAMERAS TO BE INSTALLED IN MOD COMMON AREAS: LASH ANNOUNCES NEW REALITY TELEVISION SHOW

ORANGE CARPET ON SECOND FLOOR OF LIBRARY DENOUNCES LYNN MILLER’S “LONGEST SERVING FACULTY” CLAIM

SIGMUND FREUD, KAREN HORNEY, AND JACQUES LACAN PRAISE HAMPSHIRE COUNSELING SERVICES DURING RECENT SÉANCE

FIRST YEAR HANGS POSTER OF MALCOLM X IN DAKIN ROOM. “HE WAS LIKE THE COOLER VERSION OF MLK, RIGHT?”

WORLD’S OLDEST STONER, GUS RIDLEY, HAS SMOKED GRASS SINCE 1936, IS AWARDED HONORARY DEGREE BY HAMPSHIRE COLLEGE

HIPSTER DECLARES THAT HIS USE OF IRONY IS, IN ITSELF, IRONIC

OUTSPOKEN ATHEIST HAVING TROUBLE FINDING ANYONE TO ARGUE WITH

''' THE INK VALVE “To know is usually enough” Final Issue 2013 GRADS DRIFT APATHETICALLY INTO ADULTHOOD ''' ACCORDING TO A POLL OF GRADUATING 4th YEARS… 43% of this year’s graduating class will move to New York, Boston, San Francisco, or Los Angeles. Of those who move to big cities, 22% will share a closet-sized apartment with an aspiring performance artist who keeps slapping raw meat against his own body. 12% of grads will become so destitute and hungry that they will resort to cooking a rat on a hotplate. The rat has read Foucault and understands Duchamp. And really, why do people move to cities other than to eat cultured rats? 37% of student will travel to a “developing” nation. Of those, 29% will climb a remote mountain in the Himalayas with a yak named after their favorite professor, Polina. At the highest, remotest mountain peak, they will run into an obnoxious classmate from a World Religions course. 87% of studio arts students will resort to drawing caricatures on Coney Island. 98% of creative writing concentrators will begin taking their Tumblrs a lot more seriously. 79% of film concentrators will attempt to get their big break on America’s Funniest Home Videos. 52% of students will go to graduate school. Many of them will eventually become professors. And many of their students will go to graduate school and possibly become professors. If they work hard, their students will go to graduate school and become professors whose students go to graduate school and become professors whose students go to graduate schools and become professors. Do not feed the professors after midnight! 99.9% of graduating students will learn that there is absolutely nothing funny about an eight-hour workday. 45% will move back in with their parents. 29% of moms have plumped the pillows and put fresh linens on the bed. 12% have a casserole warming in the oven. 10% will stay in Northampton for “just a little bit longer…”

FLAG DEBATE Forty-odd students gathered in FPH to discuss the U.S. flag flying in the bus circle. A first year who identified himself as the great-great-great-great-great-grandson of Robert E. Lee suggested that a Confederate flag would represent Hampshire’s “rebellious spirit and freedom from the wealthier, more populous schools in the consortium.” One student suggested a hemp banner dyed with the blood of oppressed workers be flown. However, no blood of the workers was forthcoming. After hours of discussion, it was decided to fly an enormous dental dam in lieu of a flag to remind students to practice safe sex.

NEWS BLAST! Free tattoo removal to be offered at Class of 2013’s 25th reunion

RECENT GRAD SELLS OUT Much to her chagrin, graduating fourth year Emma O’Leary was forced to take a position at an investment-banking firm. “I was going to ride my bicycle cross country, but I sprained my ankle… The abandoned warehouse I was going to share with an artist’s collective was condemned and torn down… I’m too afraid of needles to get into hard drugs.” She spit on the ground when she thought of free dental insurance and ten paid vacation days. “All of those other kids who are going home to wait tables and rejoin their high school punk bands have no idea how easy they have it.”

←↑→↓←↑→ CONGRADULATIONS CLASS OF 2013! HERE ARE SOME OF THIS YEAR’S DIV. IIIs…

SCHOOL OF CRITICAL SOCIAL INQUIRY #Musings: My Opinions on Egypt, Syria, and the Arab Spring and stuff, in 140 characters or less Justifying Violence: Thwarting the Capitalist and Imperialist Pigs in their Latest Move toward Total World Domination Recesses of the Diaspora: Exploring the particular intellectual nuances of a sub-strain of obscure post-modern thought, influenced by earlier reactions to one branch of a certain philosophical or artistic movement, which dates back to a historical event in the local development of a remote region somewhere in a non-Western civilization Practical Economics: Starting a Nationwide Pyramid Scheme with Help from My New "Joint Marketing Resources" Program Not Your Dedushka's Socialist Vanguard: Generation X and the New "9 to 5 Revolution" Nobody Understands Me: How I almost failed after submitting drafts about nothing and going to my professor's office hours to cry, but suddenly passed when they found out I actually study "socially engaged theatre" Freedom’s Confines: The Merits Of The United States Penal System Creative Repossession: Sustainability Meets Theft Expert Or Amateur?: De-Privileging Authority Figures In A Post-Utilitarian Context Postponing Academia: The Infinite Sabbatical Why Today's Jargon is Better than Yesterday's Jargon

SCHOOL OF NATURAL SCIENCE: Grant Rejected: How to Cultivate Psychedelic Drugs on a Budget Visualizing Seismic Phenomena: A Shoebox Diorama on Tectonic Plate Movement and Seafloor Spreading What is Brackish Water, Really: An Investigation into the Quasi-Paranormal Ding Dong Ditch: Subterranean Doorbells Tequila Mockingbird: Avian Alcoholism Kali-fornication: The Reproductive System of Cannabis One Fish, Two Fish, Red Fish, Blue Fish: Reproduction and Color Change In Largemouth Bass Cowboy: Animal-Human Hybridization

SCHOOL OF COGNITIVE SCIENCE: Motherfucker: Now Close Your Eyes and Think of Freud First-Hand Empirical Research of Clinical Dependence to Adderall and Concerta Postcoital Foreplay: An Examination of Sexual-Temporal Incongruity Free Pizza: New Findings in Psychological Methods of Appealing to a Mass Audience If anybody opens this e-mail attachment, the entire Hampshire computer network, including confidential financial and medical records, will be compromised The Psycho-Philosophical Essence of Being as Articulated by a Stoned Undergrad

SCHOOL OF HUMANITIES AND ARTS: Let Qui-Gons be Qui-Gons: Forgiveness, Revenge, and Star Wars Frugalicious?: An Analysis of Fergie's Spending Habits Prodigy or Progeny: Did Bach Even Have Parents? Left Coast: From ‘Hella’ to Coachella Symbolism And Allegory in Call of Duty: Modern Warfare God or Dog?: a Creative Misreading of Christianity Vignettes And Vinaigrettes: Narratives Of Italian Cuisine Is it Porn?

SCHOOL OF INTERDISCIPLINARY ARTS: Faux Paw: Dogs in Sculpture All About Me: An Autobiography This is the Final Draft, I Swear: That Animation Depicting a Water Tower Employee Chasing around a Lizard, Up to the Point of the Reservoir's Destruction [Two hundred pages, written entirely in Esperanto] Wicked Hipsters: Short Stories on Hampshire Halloween, with Corresponding Trip Reports “This IS NOT About Me, Honest!” short stories and poems about an undergrad at a liberal arts college falling in and out of love for the first time, experimenting with drugs, and existential angst

GRADUATES MOVING EN MASSE TO PYONGYANG, NORTH KOREA “It’s the new Brooklyn,” said fourth year Julia McDowell. “No cars—everyone rides bicycles. Retro stuff everywhere—it’s like the seventies never happened. There’s state-sponsored support for the arts and rent is hella cheap.”

Obituaries Last Sunday, a few mourners attended funeral services for the Climax, Hampshire’s only “real” newspaper. The Omen wore a stained ComicCon t-shirt and cracked sarcastic jokes that were inappropriate for the somber occasion. “I think we’ll get a lot of poetry submissions after this tragedy,” said The Reader, reaching for a moleskine notebook. Switchboard Magazine made cynical remarks about the future of print journalism while live streaming the event to a total of seven viewers. The Ink Valve ate thirteen broccoli and ham Hot Pockets the night before and was too bloated to express its condolences. The Climax will be dearly missed, and though it was not widely read nor taken very seriously on campus, it did report actual news. Ink Valve reporters have told us that without The Climax, writing for The Ink Valve isn’t as much fun as it used to be. We told them to shut up and get back to work.

DANCE PARTY CITED IN STUDENT’S BIBLIOGRAPHY Mod, Frisbee. Night of a Thousand Beers. October 4, 2012. South Amherst, MA.

LASH SPOTTED PERFORMING NAKED KEG STAND AT EASTER KEG HUNT