Jeremy Cone

Jeremy Cone once fought a narwhal and lost. This was of course Jeremy Cone senior, the present day Jeremy Cone's great-grandfather. Jeremy Cone never knew his great-grandfather, but he did know that narwhals are fuckin' nasty, so Jeremy Cone took an oath of vengeance to kill the narwhal that assassinated his great-grandfather. He set out on an expedition to the Artic Circle, assembling a League of Extraordinary Gentlemen aboard the U.S.S. America. Members of this expedition included Henry David Thoreau, the guy who invented penicillin, and the lead singer from Sigur Ros. George Washington Carver was a potential candidate for the expedition, but he had a scheduling conflict with filming a Michael Bay film. Anyway. They found the narwhal, but not before the narwhal found them. It's massive horn shanked the mess out of Henry David Thoreau, who died fifteen years later of complications due to HPV. Jeremy Cone assassinated the narwhal by throwing a DVD (Children of Men) at it. The DVD lodged into the narwhal's brain cavity, and the narwhal exploded. The explosion gave Henry David Thoreau some nasty third-degree burns on his face and body, and he died fifteen years later of complications due to HPV. Anyway. The Sigur Ros guy was singing Saeglopur this entire time, which was frikkin sweet. From then on, Jeremy Cone became a lumberjack, and got really into soduku. He then went to Hampshire College to study marketing or some shit like that. Jeremy Cone's exploits can be watched in the documentary, "300."