Taylor Jacobson

Many assume that Taylor Jacobson is but another human student at Hampshire College. This is not the truth. Like Teddy Roosevelt and many others before him, Taylor is directly descended from the Tyrannosaurus Rex, king of the dinosaurs. From his emergence from an abnormally bad-ass egg in West Caldwell, New Jersey in the year of 1990 under our system of time, Taylor has continuously redefined what it means to be politically incorrect. From flinging misogynist statements out the windows of moving cars to abusing fucked-up stereotypes whenever it isn't appropriate, to straight-up telling people to shut the fuck up, Taylor has always been at the forefront of new developments in incorrectness.

At the age of three Taylor started mini golf training. It had always been his, and his dinosaur father's dream to gain the gold in Olympic mini golf. After extensive research, they decided that none of the area golf courses were suitable, and therefore would have to go back to their homeworld of Galaxon to build their own. Costing an estimated 2.5 fuckton dollars, Taylor's course stretches over 40 acres of pristine Galaxonian wilderness--which of course had to be razed to the ground in order to accomodate the massive clubhouse full of comely-as-fuck bitches. Since the early 1990's Taylor and his ancient father have been training--getting both their minds and bodies into peak fighting shape in order to dominate the (Earth) 2012 Olympics. An average day in the life of Taylor Jacobson includes:

Mini golfing

Jagerbombs,

Hair products and subsequent grooming

Mini golfing

Pumping Iron

Mini golf

Mackin' on Hoes

God of War (live action)

More jagerbombs

Sleep (no more than 40 minutes a night)

Taylor has graced us with his presence for three reasons: amusement, the internet and to slake his insatiable thirst for dinosaur bone marrow. This presence has not come without side effects however. One fine autumn morn, Taylor decided that the country of Estonia was un-needed in his master plan for Earth. They sent an entire army of trained ninjas to stop him, but it was to no avail. Between his dashing good looks, beautiful singing and use of several Katanas at once, the army was soundly defeated. Since that incident, the leaders of the free world have agreed to recognize Taylor as his own sovereign nation, with full veto power at the UN. If you see him around campus, never look directly into his eyes, and always make sure to bow lower than he does. The consequences? No one has survived to tell the tale.