The Black Sheep

The Black Sheep was distributed in Roberta's and other locations, usually printed out onto one sheet of 8.5x11 white printer paper. The writer(s) were never attributed. The following transcriptions were found on Facebook groups: Black Sheep online THE EARLY YEARS and The Black Sheep.

“THE NEWSPAPER HAMPSHIRE ACTUALLY READS” VOL. 1
Breaking News... POLITICAL DIATRIBE PRECEDES ACCOUNT OF SPRING BREAK VACATION A five minute impassioned harangue in front of FPH about the role of postcolonial feminist Marxism as it applies to developing third world nations was interrupted by a passing smoker looking for a light. The smoker, unaware of the topic of conversation, made small talk by asking about the group’s spring break. The student who had delivered the soliloquy responded first. “I went skiing with my family in Switzerland.”

STUDENT BEGINS EVERY ACT OF CLASSROOM DISCUSSION WITH “YEAH, IT’S LIKE THIS ONE TIME AT MY HIGH SCHOOL...” For the 15th straight class, that kid that always sits next to the window shared his thoughts on the theoretical aspects of the class by nodding his head vigorously and saying, “Yeah, it’s like this one time at my High School...” By class number 8, most students had tuned him out, and began drawing doodles on the margins of their notebooks as he began to speak, while the Professor smiled a slight, painfully held grimace, and waited for him to stop sharing.

INSIDE THIS ISSUE: STUDENT SPEWS OUT GROUNDLESS, UNSUPPORTED STREAM OF STATISTICS IN CLASS Page 8

IMPROMPTU BATTLE OF THE HIGHLY VARIED SONICALLY DISTURBING BANDS BREAKS OUT ON DORM FLOOR See Music, Page 12

ADVISOR WISHES HE COULD TELL STUDENT TO “JUST DROP OUT” Faculty Round-Up, Section B, Page 6

STUDENT HANGS FUTURE HAPPINESS ON MOVING OUT OF DORMS AND INTO A BETTER LIFE IN MODS, UNAWARE THAT IT WILL BE, AT BEST, A LATERAL MOVE Campus Life, Section D, Page 27

ENTERTAINMENT: Crappy music lightly attended at TAVERN The quickly and loosely formed TUBA STEAK, made up of local students manned by a punk rock bassist, funk guitarist, rave-influenced drummer and a shy exhibitionist rapper/singer rocked six people through two and a half songs Saturday night, until the assembled audience left en masse for a party at Enfield. TUBA STEAK continued to kick out the jams for another 25 minutes, rocking out harder with each passing song.

FOOD CORNER “Sodexho serves bland, listless food for 3,906th consecutive day,” states this week’s guest food critic/manic depressive.

SPORTS FINAL: Privileged Hippies play frisbee Spring is in the air, and that can mean only one thing, needlessly angled, ineffectual wrist actions and the happy flapping sound of skirts over pants running after, but just missing, a poorly aimed flying disc. The mixed crowd of athletes assembled midweek on the quad, and an hour of warm-ups ensued, with up to eighteen frisbees flying helter-skelter simultaneously. Eventually a game was proposed. The teams were set informally, and in the spirit of the counter culture from 45 years ago, the status quo of “skins and shirts” was successfully revolutionized peacefully by employing “open toed sandals versus bare feet.”

“HAMPSHIRE COLLEGE’S NEWSPAPER SINCE 1921” VOL. 2
Breaking News... RACE RELATIONS A classroom of white students went off-topic during discussion and related their varying thoughts on race and it’s role in society for 25 minutes today. Each student left class feeling empowered with their ability to relate the experiences of people of color to each other. After class, the students independently broke off towards the library, nodding hellos to the passing minorities they share other classes with, but have never hung out with outside of class, or visited outside the parameters of the scholastic year.

STUDENT “TOTALLY MEANT TO GO TO THAT LECTURE” When asked by a friend in front of the Cole Science Building if he had attended last night’s lecture which pertained to a class they both shared, a Div I student made an anguished face and answered, “Dude, I totally meant to go to that lecture.” This adds to the growing list of excuses given by the student of “Dude, I totally meant to write that paper,” and “Dude, I totally meant to go to class today.”

INSIDE THIS ISSUE: STUDENT IN FOREIGN LANGUAGE CLASS SPEAKS ENGLISH FOR 80% OF CLASS International News, Section Y, Page 49

CRITICAL ANNOUNCEMENT IN INBOX NOT VERY CRITICAL Technology, Section C, Page 3

GIRL STANDING IN DOORWAY INVARIABLY ANSWERS “NOTHING” WHEN ASKED WHAT SHE IS DOING TONIGHT WHEN PASSED BY IN MERRILL HALL Campus Life, Section D, Page 27

NO SMOKING SIGNS IN DAKIN MIGHT AS WELL HAVE BEEN WRITTEN IN SWAHILI Page 8

HAMPSHIRE PERSONALS SM seeks SF- 20 something female with severe princess complex sought by str8 male to make life more confusing/unbearable. Must be demanding, moody and possess a strong phobia of semen. Your pic gets mine.

SGM seeks TOP- SGM ISO rough demanding top DOM into S&amp;M, B&amp;D and RP for hand holding and long walks along the Connecticut River at sunset. All races accepted, but please be at least 5-10, and DIV II.

SF seeks SM- I can’t believe my friends talked me into this, but here goes! What’s up, guys? My friends say I’m pretty, cute, love to laugh. Looking for a man, 17-24, who pays attention to the television/Phish cd while I am sharing my feelings with him, is uncommunicative while we are alone, yet talks incessantly once we are around his friends, (but never mine). BONUS POINTS FOR BEING INCOHERENTLY STONED 3/4 OF THE TIME! Must be willing to belittle me with subtle antiquated sexist notions during intellectual discussions, even though I possess a superior intellect. Hope to hear from you soon!

SM says SF, but really means SM- Closeted bi-curious SM wishes for SM, but due to fear of backlash by fellow students and reaction from parents and friends, seeks SF. Looking for female of any age/ethnicity for shared intimacy during which I close my eyes and fantasize about that wicked cute boy in my Natural Science class.

SGF seeks SGF Single gay female looking for same for one time only casual encounter of mutual cunnilingus which will somehow turn into an awkward protracted near-roommate situation.

THE BLACK SHEEP “PRINTED ON THE TOP FLOOR OF HAMPSHIRE’S 20 STORY MEDIA CENTER” VOL. 3
Breaking News... POTENTIAL LIFELONG FRIENDSHIP DESTROYED DURING MOD POINTS SCRAMBLE A soon-to-be-former Merrill resident was overheard commenting on her mix of feelings on securing a Mod for the fall semester. “This past semester’s been kinda hard for me. I’ve had a tough time with my folks back home, they’re divorcing after 22 years, my cat died...my...cat... DIED...my brother came out, all this shit, but Lindy-lu-lu was the one thing I could count on. She’s really been there for me all semester, a shoulder to cry on, someone who really listens and cares. But when it came right down to the wire, we had a chance to get a great Mod next semester, and well, Lindy’s only got one point, so...fuck her.”

FEMALE STUDENT DOUSED IN PATCHOULY COMPLAINS OF NOXIOUS SMELL OF SMOKERS “GOD, that’s so disgusting,” said a sneering female DIV II student, standing twenty feet away from the doorway, motioning towards a cluster of smokers. “Don’t they have any consideration for others, or any sense of the boundaries of personal space?” she asked, oblivious to the fact that nearly every passerby made an abrupt thirty foot circuitous route around her to purposefully go through a collective of eight groups of smokers whenever the gentle spring breeze switched directions, and her nearly visible scent assaulted their olfactory glands.

INSIDE THIS ISSUE: WHILE IN THEORY LIKING EVALUATIONS OVER GRADES, PROFESSOR WISHES SHE COULD WRITE A BIG FAT “F” ON CHRONICALLY LATE, LAZY, DISTRACTED STUDENT’S FINAL PROJECT: Faculty Round-up, Section B, page 6

HIGH DECIBEL GRATUITOUS SEX NOISES APPARENTLY MADE FOR BENEFIT OF PEOPLE THEY DON’T LIKE DOWN THE HALL Campus Life, Section D, Page 27

WORK STUDY JOB CONTAINED LITTLE OF EITHER: Business and Leisure, Back Page

ADMISSIONS STAFF GEARS UP FOR BUSY SUMMER OF ANSWERING THE SAME FUCKING TWENTY QUESTIONS OVER AND OVER AGAIN Technology, Section C, Page 3

ENTERTAINMENT: GREENWHICH AFTER RAPIDLY CONSUMING 40 oz. OF MALT LIQUOR ON AN EMPTY STOMACH, STUDENT DISCOVERS SUPERHUMAN ABILITIES

FOOD CORNER “Deciding between eating at the Bridge Cafe or Dining Commons akin to deciding whether to put cigarette out in left eye or right eye,” says this week’s guest food critic/philosophy major.

SPORTS After three hours, skateboarder nearly pulls off trick Sources tell the Black Sheep that a gnarly skateboarding trick was almost pulled off last Friday in front of FPH. An eyewitness described the scene. “We were totally barging on the steps, when Bill-man tried for three hours to do a fakie grind off the curb into an ollie, but he kept riding goofy foot and locked, then totally bailed when he caught air, and now he’s got this massive hipper.” Sources tell the Black Sheep that if the trick had been successfully pulled off, it would have been “awesome.”

POLICE BLOTTER: PUBLIC SAFETY POLICE LOOK FOR CLUES IN LAST WEEKEND’S SAVAGE BEATING OF PRESCOTT BUILDINGS BY GIGANTIC UGLY STICK Prescott Buildings “Never in 15 years of public security...I’m...sorry, ” sources wept, telling Black Sheep reporter S

THE BLACK SHEEP “ONE OF THE FEW THINGS HAMPSHIRE DOESN’T CHARGE YOU FOR” VOL. 4, Fall Edition No. I
Breaking News... DURING CLASS DISCUSSION, STUDENT UNNECESSARILY DROPS THE WORDS “DIASPORA,” “EMPIRICAL,” “RUBRIC,” “DIDACTIC,” “HEGEMONIC,” “PEDAGOGICAL” AND “JUXTAPOSITION” ALL WITHIN A SINGLE SENTENCE. See “WHAT GOT ME BEAT UP IN HIGH SCHOOL” Section L for full story

STUDENT CONFIRMS THAT “THE FACEBOOK” FRIENDSHIP ROLL IS ACTUALLY FILLED WITH 68 NEAR STRANGERS. “I wouldn’t help a single one of them move, much less loan them ten dollars,” admits on-line user. See Ethics Shocker, Page 99, Section VIII

INSIDE THIS ISSUE: PARENTS GIVE TEARY GOODBYE TO CHILD, KNOWING SHE IS ALL GROWN UP AND IS ABOUT TO EMBARK ON FOUR YEAR CAMPAIGN OF RIGOROUS ACADEMIC TRAINING; STUDENT GEARS UP FOR BUSY FOUR YEARS OF EXPLORING SEXUALITY, TESTING ALCOHOL &amp; DRUG TOLERANCE LIMITS

STUDENT GETS BRILLIANT, ORIGINAL FLASH, MAKES HUMOROUS FACE DURING PHOTO FOR STUDENT I.D.; JOINS FIFTY PREVIOUS OTHERS Admissions, Section J, Page 57

FINALLY FREE FROM THE DIN OF DORM LIFE, NEW RESIDENTS OF MODS CELEBRATE BY THROWING NOISY PARTY WHICH LASTS UNTIL 5 A.M. Campus Life, Section D, Page 27

RETURNING FROM SUMMER BREAK, STUDENT DISCOVERS AMNESIA-LIKE QUALITIES AS IT PERTAINS TO THE REMEMBRANCE OF CLASSMATES’ NAMES The Sciences, Section T, Page 15

FEMALE WALKS AROUND CAMPUS IN SWEATPANTS, FINDING THEM COMFORTABLE, SEXY; ALL MALES BELIEVE SHE IS MENSTRUATING Fashion Plus, Section L, Page 4

ENTERING STUDENTS GUIDE TO ORWELLIAN HAMPSHIRE-SPEAK

DIV. I : (div wuhn) Short for Division One; also known as First Division 1) Generally the first two semesters, where you will receive advice from older students and your advisor to attempt to pick classes based on Professors instead of the actual material being taught, even though you cannot do this without having first taken any classes. 2) The first two semesters where you will attempt to fulfill a series of pointless requirements that have nothing whatsoever to do with your field of interest. 3) A time of romantic/sexual mistakes made with complete strangers during the early weeks of September, which will lead to unescapable uncomfortable situations for the next four years.

DIV II: (div too) Short for Division Two; also known as Second Division or The Concentration 1) Generally the third, forth, fifth and sixth semesters. A time where you will attempt to find Professors to chair your committee, even though you have just wasted the last year taking classes that have nothing to do with your interests, and don’t know anyone in the department. 2) A time where you begin a long term relationship and/or find you have nothing in common with the friends you made during Div. I.

DIV III: (div three) Short for Division Three, also known as Third Division. The final two semesters, which are broken into two parts; 1) The seventh semester, which is spent huddled alone in a room trying to complete a massive project based on the previous six semesters, and, 2) The eighth semester, where you suddenly realize you have no interest in your declared project, and somehow try to make up something that is the complete opposite of everything you have yet done. Synonym: See “Leave of absence.”

THE BLACK SHEEP “YET ANOTHER COLORED PIECE OF PAPER JUST LAYING AROUND” VOL. 5, Fall Edition No. II
Breaking News... IN COMING FRESHMAN FEELS BETRAYED BECAUSE THE “CHEMISTRY” CLASS SHE SIGNED UP FOR ON THE HUB MADE NO MENTION OF THE FACT THAT IT WAS REALLY “MARXIST AFRICAN-AMERICAN FEMINIST LESBIAN CHEMISTRY” See “ADD/DROP yourself down to two classes,” Page P, paragraph two

FOREIGN STUDENT HATES YOU It is very pleasing to be in the United States, and I am enjoying my semester in America. I find fascinating your culture, and everyone has done so much to make me feel welcome. However, one person in particular is over doing it. I appreciate the gesture, but from the awkward attempts at conversion concerning boring topics such as the exports and imports of my homeland, to his apparent lack of personal grooming and hygene...Oh, crap, here he comes now. Why is it that we pass at least twice daily on my way to the library? Must be polite...wish not to offend American hosts... “Yes, yes...hello!” God, do I hate it when he tries to greet to me in my native tongue. Nice pronunciation, asshole.

INSIDE THIS ISSUE: SKIRT OVER PANTS FIASCO CRUELLY NOT POINTED OUT BY SO-CALLED FRIENDS “Wynter must have just been really sleepy this morning, and not known she was already wearing pants when she put that skirt on,” surmised fellow classmates, each refusing to be the one to bring mortal embarrassment upon the DIV II student by telling her she looks utterly ridiculous. See ONE OR THE OTHER, Metro Section

UPON GRADUATION THREE YEARS HENCE, THE WORLD’S POOR TO BE ATTENDED TO BY PRIVILEGED UPPER MIDDLE CLASS WHITE KID WHO HAS NEVER ONCE IN HIS LIFE KNOWN WANT, OPPRESSION, OR HUNGER See special pull out magazine: CORC and a life beyond Hampshire

SOLITARY WALK TO ATKINS FOR CIDER DONUTS AND ODWALLA IS SOCIAL HIGHLIGHT OF STUDENT’S WEEK Campus Life, Section D, Page 27

DREADLOCKS COMING ALONG NICELY, BUT SCRAGGLY BEARD STILL PATCHY Fashion Plus, Section L, Page 4

THE BLACK SHEEP “CHRONICLING AMERICA’S CONTINUING SLIDE TOWARDS ALL-OUT FASCISM” VOL. 6, Fall Edition No. III
Breaking News: NEW STUDY REVEALS HOMOSEXUALS LIVING IN QUEER MOD “Not only are they HERE, but they’re QUEER” is astonishing findings. Known for their green skin and trademark yellow jump suits, the mysterious figures known as “homosexuals” have apparently set up shop right here at Hampshire. The homosexuals on campus are easy to spot, just look for their two eyes, which rest squarely in the middle of their “head,” usually located at the top of their bodies. Homosexuals are also recognizable by their 216 human bones and their unusual configuration of four limbs. And don’t worry if you come face to face with one...remember, they are just as scared of you as you are of them.

ASIAN-AMERICAN REFERS TO HER CAUCASIAN CLASSMATES AS “OCCIDENTAL”; ALL HOLY HELL BREAKS LOOSE IN CLASSROOM EXPERTS SAY RACE RELATIONS SET BACK 50 YEARS “Aww, no you di--in’t,” says witness. FULL STORY, PAGE THREE

INSIDE THIS ISSUE: GRRRL USES MISANDRIST RHETORIC TO RAIL AGAINST MISOGYNY; IRONY LOST ON ENTIRE FEMINISM CLASS See “Me and my Vadge; a study in triumphant liberated superiority,” in the Midweek magazine.

45 YEAR OLD PROFESSOR WITH Ph.D. CANNOT FIGURE OUT HOW TO TURN ON VCR/DVD PLAYER FOR CLASS LESSON Faculty Round Up, PAGE 19

RESULTS OF SECRET VOTE IN; HAMPSHIRE PUNK ROCKERS UNANIMOUSLY DECIDE TO GO WITH THE COLOR BLACK “We were going to go with green, but that seemed too much like a uniform,” reports insider. See “IT’S NOT EASY BEING PRIVILEGED AND ANARCHISTIC,” Section X

RIGHTEOUSLY INDIGNANT ULTRALIBERAL HAMPSHIRE STUDENT UPSET BECAUSE HE CAN FIND NO ONE TO ARGUE WITH EXCEPT LIKE-MINDED RIGHTEOUSLY INDIGNANT ULTRALIBERAL HAMPSHIRE STUDENTS See “RAPTUROUSLY AND VISIBLY APPLAUDING NOAM CHOMSKY,” Page Eight

THE BLACK SHEEP “FURIOUSLY BEING RIPPED DOWN FROM VERTICAL SURFACES CAMPUS-WIDE” VOL. 7, Spring 06 Edition No. I
Breaking News... VOTE TO BAN COCA-COLA INITIATED BY LIBERAL GRASSROOTS DEMOCRATIC ACTIVISTS UNWITTINGLY TURNS INTO GLORIOUS ULTRA RIGHT WING FASCIST TRIUMPH At Last, the Hampshire campus has been thankfully freed from the horror of freedom of choice by a concerned special interest group. In an area of top priority concern, the evils of corporate giant Coca-Cola and their minions will no longer leave their bloody hand prints on our esteemed college, though the deaths caused by drug lords which are far bloodier and far outnumber Coca-Cola’s South American activities shall continued unabated in order to supply the recreational drug use of the privileged middle class Hampshire student body. The ever-vigilant group who helped to end this soft drink menace can rest easy tonight, knowing that their decision not to use education and a boycott but to instead completely disregard the rights and wishes of the voting minority have acted in the best interests of a sustainable democracy. However, the fight is not yet over! In the ironic words of the vocal minority which organized the ban because of their personal biases and moral convictions, “We must fight against a vocal minority, who with their personal biases and moral convictions, would deny an individual’s choice, and make abortion illegal.” For full story, see “IT’S BEST IF I DECIDE WHAT IS BEST FOR YOU.” by special Guest Columnist &amp; election observer Benito Amilcare Andrea Mussolini, Pg. 6

INSIDE THIS ISSUE: PYS. PLANT LOSES BID TO RID MIDDLE DINING ROOM OF FAERIES, GOBLINS “Combination of toxic fumigation chemicals no match for 20-sided dice,” say victorious Gamers

PLASTIC PLACARDS INFORMING US THAT TOBACCO TAKES 25 YEARS TO DECOMPOSE WON’T DECOMPOSE THEMSELVES UNTIL THE YEAR 2074 See D’OH! Mid-week Pull Out

STUDENT WHO CHOSE LONELY, DIFFICULT ALTERNATIVE LIFESTYLE COMPLAINS OF DIFFICULTY, LONELINESS See STARING AT MOLDY GREENWICH WALLS IN A HOSTILE MANNER, Page 16

HAMPSHIRE STUDENT DISCOVERS THAT BEING THE ONLY MALE IN A SMITH CLASS FILLED WITH REPUBLICANS AND LESBIANS IS NOT AS SEXY AS ORIGINALLY IMAGINED See THE FIVE COLLEGE CLASSES, Page 27

FOOD CORNER: A special report. AS 842 MILLION PEOPLE STARVE WORLDWIDE, HAMPSHIRE STUDENT TURNS UP HER NOSE AT “DISGUSTING” SAGA CULINARY OFFERINGS SAGA DINING COMMONS A DIV II student was sighted descending the steps at SAGA yesterday, picking up her tray and passing the ice cold dispensers of 3 choices of Gatorade, nine choices of fruit drinks, six choices of carbonated soft drinks, as well as two separate spigots which, at the touch of a button, would fill her glass with clean, clear, disease-free ice cold water. She sighed, frowning as she glanced over three full baskets of fresh, ripe, juicy, life-sustaining fruits. “Oranges, bananas, and apples...again,” she said, moving towards the steam table. She moaned as she perused the freshly made piping hot choices of meat, chicken and vegetarian dishes, as well as choices of different starches and vegetables, hamburgers, veggie burgers, hot dogs, pizza and trays of six different pies, cakes, brownies and cookies. She then slumped towards the salad bar, passing on her way the three different flavors of coffee and three choices of tea, 3 types of fresh milk and soy milk, and nine varieties of cereal grains. Upon arrival, she stared blankly at the wok, where, should she be able to stomach any of SAGA’s offerings, she could assemble her own stir fry. She refused to even acknowledge the two canisters of piping hot soup. Dropping her tray in overwhelming disgust in front of a twenty foot long trough of romaine, mixed greens, spinach and mesculin greens, as well as cucumbers, tomatoes, carrots, sprouts and 15 other choices of fresh raw vegetables, beans, tofu and hummus, she mournfully walked to the deli bar, totally ignoring a refrigeration unit filled with yogurts, cream cheese and other assorted breakfast food stuffs as well as the nearby pasta bar. Once in the back room, she took none of the offerings of sliced turkey, ham, tuna, three flavors of cheese, tofu, seafood salad offerings, raw vegetables or any of the 8 choices of bread flavors. Leaving her tray on the counter next to the waffle bar for someone else to clean up after her, she meandered to the ice cream freezer, passing a hot chocolate dispenser and a large metal container which houses chocolate milk, and leaned over, grimacing at the 15 different flavors of ice cream and two flavors of frozen yogurt, cones and candy toppings. Checking her watch, she mournfully decided on a tofutti ice cream sandwich as the only thing she could muscle down, and hurried outside to her one p.m. Third World Hunger class.

THE BLACK SHEEP “31% LESS BORING THAN THE CLIMAX, 97% LESS PRETENTIOUS THAN THE OMEN” VOL. 8, Spring 06 Edition No. II
Breaking News... NEW HAMPSHIRE RECORD SET AS FIRST YEAR STUDENT SPENDS 1.2 MILLION DOLLARS OVER COURSE OF ONE DAY A recent study revealed that the single day campus-wide complaints of a Merrill residing freshman totaled $1,200,000. The complaints began at 9 a.m., when the first year with no declared academic focus awoke in a pool of sweat. “Oh my f-- god! How come I spend $40,000 a year to go to Hampshire, and there’s no air conditioning?” By ten o’clock, the tone of the day seemed to be set in the dining commons when the 18 year old found that his favorite salad dressing was not available. “You mean to tell me there’s no Annie’s Organic Sweet papaya dressing?” he asked loudly to no one in particular. “I pay 40 grand a year, you think they’d at least have some salad dressing!” Things did not improve an hour later in the Library, where the free editions of The Republican were all taken. A cluster of smokers outside reported overhearing the student angrily remark something about a newspaper and $40,000 and Hampshire. A partial list of the remaining $1,080,000 were reportedly spent in front of a slow elevator, at a Pepsi vending machine, a pencil sharpener, a bare patch of grass, a creaking door, a fax machine, beneath an overhead drip of water, and a flat basketball at the RCC. See I PAY 40 GRAND A YEAR FOR A FREE ONE PAGE COMEDY NEWSPAPER?! Page 3

INSIDE THIS ISSUE: CIGARETTE SMOKING TAKING PLACE TWENTY FEET ONE INCH FROM DOORWAY IMMEASURABLY BETTER FOR INTERN THAN 19 FEET, 11 AND 1/2” See SMUG SELF-SATISFACTION AND POWER TRIP, Page 83

MIDDLE CLASS MORON CANNOT FIGURE OUT THAT IF THE DINING COMMONS WOK IS TURNED UP FULL BLAST, IT WILL BURN HIS CHILI POWDER, GARLIC, TOFU AND RED PEPPER FLAKES EVERY SINGLE FUCKING TIME See Re-enacting the 1916 W.W.I Battle of Verdun’s Gas Warfare in SAGA, Page 3, Section J

STUDENT WONDERS FOR 150TH TIME WHAT EXACTLY THAT YURT THING IS See ULAN BATOR &amp; YOU, Mongolian Travel Section

STUDENT FINDS THAT THE CACOPHONY OF HALLMATES’ WILDLY DIVERGENT BLARING MUSIC MAKES SUCCESSFUL MASTURBATION NIGH ON IMPOSSIBLE See Almost, ALLL-MOST, Aaaaaaallllllmoooooooossssssssttt-ttt!!!! Page Ungh!

THE BLACK SHEEP “EXPENSIVE ACADEMIC TRAINING FOR YOUR EVENTUAL EMBOURGEOISIEMENT” VOL. 9, Spring 06 Edition No. III
Breaking News... UPPER MIDDLE CLASS STUDENTS FEEL PAIN OF UNKNOWN FOREBEARERS A recent class on cultural oppression brought together a diverse group of classmates for an impromptu after-class discussion outside of Franklin Peterson Hall. “I think it’s just terrible how my people have had to suffer,” said a student whose family has been living in U.S. middle class comfort for the last three generations. “It’s like the ordeals my people suffered coming to this country were speaking directly to me.” A 19 year old male concurred. “I know just what you mean,” sincerely added the man who grew up in a twentieth floor townhouse in an upscale metropolitan neighborhood, “The parts about the treatment of my people were so haunting. I could feel the chains of bondage against my wrists.” Though at first reluctant to speak, an eighteen year old who has gone to nothing but the finest private schools in the country since the age of three shared her thoughts. “I had a hard time controlling my anger,” said the female classmate who identifies strongly with a particular group and their land, which she has never visited, whose language she cannot speak, and whose inhabitants would treat her like the American she is should she ever be immersed in the culture she so extravagantly romanticizes. “It’s like, you know....the tribulations of my people.” See “I’M SWEDISH!”---OH, REEEEEEEEEALY? Page S, (for Svenska), Page Tva.

INSIDE THIS ISSUE: PROTESTANT WHITE KID FROM SUBURBS OVERHEARD PRAISING JAH See YOU ARE THE BABYLON THE RASTAFARIANS WISH TO DESTROY, Page 13

STUDENT’S OLD SAYING “POST-MODERNISM,” MORPHS INTO NEW SAYING, “POST-9/11 COOL”; NO ONE KNOWS WHAT THE HELL HE IS TALKING ABOUT See METAGRABOLIZINGLY OBLIQUE, Page ?

SELF-RIGHTEOUS VEGAN APPALLED HIS PERSONAL-LIFESTYLE-CHOICE WHIMS AREN’T FERVENTLY CATERED TO ON A UNIVERSAL BASIS See WHY DO THEY EVEN HAVE WHOLE MILK? I DON’T DRINK IT, Section P, page 35

FEMALE DRESSED IN FLARED BROWN CORDUROY PANTS, THREADBARE SEX-LESS BLACK WINTER COAT AND UGLY KNITTED HAT WISHES HAMPSHIRE BOYS WOULD AT LEAST TRY TO BE CUTER Fashion Plus, Section J

LETTERS TO THE EDITOR Dear Black Sheep, Though not particularly a fan of either your publication, or the Facebook (TM), I joined your online Facebook group. I spent three hours scouring your site vainly trying to find where I could place an order for twelve Italian biscotti and a half pound of chocolate covered Bolivian espresso beans. I’m not sure if you hired some Silicon Valley rejects or what, but in the future, I would advise you to inspect your site before advertising it. Sincerely, NPR tote bag toter.

Dear Black Sheep, As someone who bristles at people and things outside of what I in my bourgeois attitude, expectations and breeding have deemed as their normative and acceptable roles, I was deeply offended to find out that one of the writers of your “newspaper” was biologically old enough to have sired me, irregardless of the fact that when he was my age, he had exactly the same number of children that I presently have at age eighteen; none. In the future, please either hire writers my own age, or keep your age divergent writers out of college where only people between the ages of 17 and 24 should be allowed to go, and place all others exceeding this arbitrary age limit in the traditionally accepted roles of fatherhood and disintegrating marriages so that the world around me doesn’t challenge what I deem proper. Thank you, Student at an unconventional private liberal college.

Dear Black Sheep, YOUR STUPID!!!! Enjoy the flavor of that going down, biatch? Signed, The coalition of the concerned Occidental, vegan, Coca-Cola banning, wok burning, middle class, lecture skipping, non-smoking, skirt over pants wearing, crappy music playing, frisbee loving, misandrist, only-up-to-a-point-leftists against the Black Sheep, Hampshire Chapter

THE BLACK SHEEP “ALL THE NEWS (FILTERED BY OUR CORPORATE PARENT COMPANY) FIT TO PRINT” VOL. 10, Spring 06 Edition No. IV
Breaking News... HAMPSHIRE STUDENT OFFENDED BY EVERYTHING A discussion between two friends was interrupted yesterday by an easily offended passing “but-in-ski” student, unknown to either party, in front of the Music and Dance buildings. “...so anyway, she went down to...” “Uh, yeah...hi...it’s really offensive to me that you are using a gender specific pronoun.” “...so...MARY...went down to the store...” “What store? It better not be Wal-Mart. Do you know how they treat their workers in...” “...but it wasn’t open yet, so Mary went to a restaurant and got a hamburger...” “Meat is murder! Do you know how much run off from slaughter houses affects our...” “...and even though it was only 10 a.m. she washed it down with a beer...” “Are you even aware of how alcohol posters use the objectification of women to propagate...” “Jesus Christ! WHAT is your problem?” “You did NOT just use the name of a man responsible for 2,000 years of brutal persecution...” The conversation lasted fifteen minutes longer, until the passing stranger hurried off to chair the Pro-Hemp Vegans for a Free Tibet Co-op Against Globalization’s mid-week poetry reading.

INSIDE THIS ISSUE: TROPICAL SUN SPLASHED SPRING BREAK VACATION TRANSFORMS OUTSPOKEN HAMPSHIRE SAFE SEX ADVOCATE INTO DRUNKEN WHORE See WOO-HOO! and supplemental blurry cell phone photo collage, Section X

FROM “KU-BA” TO “AF-HANISTAHN,” UBER-URBANE AND HIP COSMOPOLITAN STUDENT TAKES GREAT PRIDE IN PRONOUNCING THINGS AUTHENTICALLY; EXCEPT THE TEN THOUSAND WORDS SAID EVERYDAY IN HIS NATIVE TONGUE See “Yeah but, how come he never affects a British accent when he says ‘John Smith’?” Pg. 10

RADICAL CHAMPION OF THE COUNTERCULTURE USES EXPENSIVE GAS GUZZLING SPORT UTILITY VEHICLE TO GET AROUND THE PIONEER VALLEY See PVTA? IS THAT LIKE A VENEREAL DISEASE OR SOMETHING? Section M

STUDENTS DRESSED IN SOVIET INSIGNIAS PERHAPS UNAWARE THAT UNDER AN ACTUAL COMMUNIST REGIME, UPPER MIDDLE CLASS FRISBEE PLAYING INTELLECTUALS-IN-TRAINING WOULD BE THE 1ST TO BE LINED UP AND SHOT See The NKVD has declared your 35 gram frisbee an “Enemy of the People,” Pg. Pravda

CENTRAL RECORDS RELEASES LIST OF STUDENTS FORMALLY DECLARING DIV II CONCENTRATIONS;

38 semi-crazy people chose PSYCHOLOGY

16 people from particular ethnic backgrounds chose PARTICULAR ETHNIC BACKGROUND STUDIES

3 students who possesses no ability to work with others and are unable to compromise anything for the greater good chose POLITICS

9 people who are able to consistently write extremely lengthy, nearly unintelligible papers which read like the dense hallucinogenic mind fuck confessions of a schizophrenic chose PHILOSOPHY

22 people whose pasty, translucent colored skin, long tanned under the fluorescent lit loneliness of a thousand loveless midnights; an artificial illumination of nocturnal vagabondages which not only metaphorically, but psychically belies their inability to connect with flesh and blood human beings, tenderly yet steadfastly surrendered to the inevitability of their fate by choosing LITERATURE

103 people who like pictures and movies and stuff, I guess, chose FILM, VIDEO AND PHOTOGRAPHY... but wait, I like horses too, so maybe ANIMAL SCIENCES... but then again my relatives always tell me I’ve got some good ideas to improve upon existing products, so I’m gonna go with INVENTION AND INNOVATION... but I DO religiously read the New York Times, so maybe PEACE AND WORLD SECURITY STUDIES...or maybe GLOBAL STUDIES AND INTERNATIONAL RELATIONS... hey, better make that COMMUNICATIONS AND MEDIA STUDIES, with a minor in JOURNALISM... But if you think about it, that really is just looking at the world; if I really want to make a difference, maybe I should look into SOCIAL CHANGE... Then again, real change begins at home, yeah, so make that ENVIRONMENTAL STUDIES or better yet STUDIO ARTS. Yeah, that’s it. STUDIO ARTS.

THE WHITE SHEEP April 1st, 2006 Breaking News... HAMPSHIRE ADMINISTRATION NOT ONLY EAGERLY AND EARNESTLY LISTENS TO STUDENT’S CONCERNS AND IDEAS, BUT MAKES PLANS TO IMMEDIATELY ENACT THEIR SUGGESTIONS See WE’RE HERE FOR YOU, PLEASE READ CRITICAL ANNOUNCEMENT, Back Page

HAMPSHIRE’S FRAT HOUSE AND FOOTBALL TEAM’S RIGHTEOUS AND FUNNY BEATINGS OF FREAKS, FAGGOTS AND WEIRDOES DOWN 17% FROM 2005 See FUCKIN-A-RIGHT BRA’! KEGRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!! Page Puke

INSIDE THIS ISSUE: CURRENT ROMANTIC RELATIONSHIP SURE TO LAST A LIFETIME; MAYBE MORE See IT’LL BE LIKE THIS FOREVER! Page Other Side of This Long Playing Vinyl Record

90 MINUTE STUDENT LED CLASS DISCUSSION REMARKABLY INTERESTING See HOW VERY, VERY INFORMATIVE, YOU REALLY DID YOUR RESEARCH THERE, Pg. 34

FLIERS PUT UP ALL OVER CAMPUS FOR EVENT ON THURSDAY TAKEN DOWN THAT FRIDAY BY THE SAME PEOPLE WHO PUT THEM UP See HUMANISM LECTURE IN EDH THIS THURSDAY, PART OF JAN. TERM EVENTS, Pg. 5

STUDENT THOUGHTFULLY TURNS OFF CELL PHONE BEFORE CLASS BEGINS See I WAS THINKING OF YOU GUYS, Pg. La Cucaracha/Fur Elise/Black Eyed Peas/Et Cetera

SMOKER DECIDES NOT TO THROW BUTT ON THE GROUND, BUT TO INSTEAD WALK THIRTY SIX INCHES TO PUT CIGARETTE OUT IN LARGE BLACK ASHTRAY See TAKE AWAY OUR ASHTRAYS AND PUT US OUTSIDE...WE’RE LOST, Pg. Emphysema

COMMUNAL BATHROOM ENTERED; SEAT URINE FREE, WATER CLEAR OF FECAL MATTER, ALL TOILET PAPER ROLL DISPENSERS FULL Section NOT BLOODY LIKELY, Pg. 12

DUE TO PLACEMENT OF COLORED PAPER AD ON DINING COMMONS TABLE, THOUSANDS ATTEND SCI-FI TRANS-GENDER SEWING COLLECTIVE IN DAKIN See NO ONE WAS COMING BECAUSE THEY DIDN’T KNOW ABOUT IT! Pg.3,174,219,008

THE BLACK SHEEP “PRE-APOCALYPTIC STRUCTURALISM IS SO, LIKE...YOU KNOW...WHATEVER” VOL. 12, Spring 06 Edition No. V
Breaking News: IDIOT DUMB ENOUGH TO BELIEVE IN GOD SHARES SPIRITUAL JOURNEY “I hold my own grab bag of selected Abrahamic and Dharmic world theology, I call it my spirituality, very close. It makes me feel particularly well pleased with myself and ‘deep’ passing the moral buck in this abstract and ethereal way. I find great comfort in excusing myself from all responsibilities of a sense of right and wrong, good and evil, not to mention my inherited class position in life, by surrendering this burden to a fictitious, invisible moral arbiter whom I refer to by a myriad of names depending on the situation; God, Chi, Karma whathaveyou. Life, as we all know, can be quite confusing, meaningless and overwhelming, and I find great solace in handing off the action of change in this world to the most ludicrous, implausible summation and unifying theory imaginable. Often times I will celebrate holidays which are based on some pagan or ‘native’ ritual which gives me a psuedo-connection to whatever culture I claim to identify with, though I am so far removed from either the matriarchal of patriarchal lineage which I have randomly chosen to highlight and follow that my celebrations wouldn’t even be recognized by those in the culture I am ‘honoring.’ In this way I celebrate my own diversity. Sometimes I fall back on the guidance of the holy trinity; the Easter Bunny, the Tooth Fairy and Santa Claus.” SEE They’re FABLES, dumbass! Page Literal Truth

INSIDE THIS ISSUE: FEMALE SO CONCERNED WITH NEEDLESS WASTE SHE WON’T PRINT OUT .PDF FILES IS SEEN WALKING AROUND CAMPUS WEARING LINEN SKIRT MADE OF ENOUGH MATERIAL TO CLOTHE AN AFRICAN VILLAGE See EARTH MOTHER &amp; MOTHER AFRICA, Page Lion (in Zion)

STUDENT WHO CHANGED SEXUAL PREFERENCE FINDS THAT WHILE THE TASTES MAY HAVE CHANGED, THE DRAMA REMAINS PRETTY MUCH THE SAME See SALTY BLEACH OR FISHY CHICKEN? Epicure fold out

HAMPSHIRE STUDENT’S EXORBITANT SENSE OF ENTITLEMENT YET AGAIN NOT PROVIDED FOR BY REALITY OF DAILY LIFE FOR 6,935TH STRAIGHT DAY See IT’S NOT FAIR! I SHOULD BE FIRST! Page Beemer

ATTEMPTS AT GRINDING ONE’S BUTTOCKS INTO ANOTHER’S GENITAL AREA AND RAISING ARMS IN AN UNCARING FASHION WHILE SIMULTANEOUSLY KEEPING UP WITH RAP BEAT MET WITH MIXED RESULTS AT ENFIELD PARTY See I DON’T KNOW WHAT YOU HEARD ABOUT ME, Section P.I.M.P.

PANEL DISCUSSES HURRICANE KATRINA RELIEF A panel consisting of a well-intentioned student activist and two evil capitalists met recently to discuss the spring break relief work done in the Crescent City. “The enormity of the task was overwhelming,” said the student, who was so moved by the experience in New Orleans that she is debating dropping out of school for a year to continue to help those still devastated by the hurricane and the lack of Federal or State help. The spokesperson for Citibank agreed. “There was no way we could demolish those homes, charge unpayable interest rates on loans to rebuild, buy up the land when the poor defaulted then begin construction on a series of New Orleans-style themed condominiums. Something had to give. What these hard working idealistic students did was simply terrific. They helped to do the costly salvage work for free.” The student who decided not to go and do body shots at Senor Frog’s in Cancun, but who instead endured heat, the stench of dead bodies, potential illness from bacteria, contaminated water and mold became teary eyed as she related her vivid stories about the City and the people living there. “The most important thing for me was that I was directly enabling social change.” The representative for Caldwell Banker Realty nodded his head in agreement. “Social change will definitely happen in New Orleans. When we get through with it, there won’t be anymore poor black people living there.”

END OF THE SEMESTER WRAP UP LAST OF THE OLD-STYLE EIGHT YEAR HAMPSHIRE UNDERGRADS REALLY LOOKING FORWARD TO POSSIBLY WRAPPING IT UP NEXT YEAR, Page 2007

STUDENT SADDENED TO LEARN THAT HIS CONSTANT HABIT OF INFORMING MODMATES 15 MINUTES AFTER THEY SMOKE POT THAT THEY ARE STONED WILL NOT COUNT TOWARDS HIS DIV II COMMUNITY SERVICE REQUIREMENT Page THIS GREATLY INTERFERES WITH MY HALL MONITOR JOB, Page Zzzzzz

STUDENT SUCCESSFULLY COMPLETES FOUR YEAR UNDERGRADUATE COURSE WITHOUT ONCE SETTING FOOT IN YIDDISH BOOK CENTER Page 5767

UNDER A MOUNTAIN OF PAPERS RAPIDLY APPROACHING THEIR DUE DATES, STUDENT RESOLVES TO PULL AN ALL-NIGHTER AND INGESTS AMPHETAMINE BASED DRUG; FAILS TO READ OR WRITE A SINGLE WORD, SUCCEEDS ONLY IN REARRANGING ROOM FOR 14 CONSECUTIVE HOURS See I CAN’T STOP SCRATCHING MY NECK OR ARMS, OH GOD, NOW MY LEGS! pg 6

ADMISSIONS OFFICE ADMITS DIVERSITY RECRUITMENT BEGINS AT $75,000 See WE AT HAMPSHIRE SEE ONLY ONE COLOR...GREEN, Page Sawbuck

NEW BABY-SITTING RULES DURING DIV III BELL RINGING FILED UNDER HEXTER- SANCTIONED “CLINICALLY REMOVING ALL JOY &amp; HAPPINESS OUT OF LIFE” See HAMPSHIRE WILL BE CALLED UMASS-SOUTH WITHIN FIVE YEARS, Pg. Business

THE BLACK SHEEP “AS SURREAL AS GEORGE W. BUSH READING L’ETRANGER” VOL. 13, Fall 06 Edition No. I
Breaking News... TEENAGER IN MERRILL FIRST ONE EVER TO FEEL THESE FEELINGS An in depth investigative report has discovered that a recently enrolled Hampshire freshman, who was the only gifted, ultra-liberal, politically conscious, vegan, freak loner at his high school, is delving into hitherto uncharted territory in the area of melancholy introspection. The student in question has found that being surrounded by 1,200 other gifted, ultra-liberal, politically conscious, vegan, freak loners has made him feel as if he has never been so alone in all his life. Psychologists are baffled by this new strain of angst, with some theories warning it could lead to a dangerous situation involving an uninterrupted three week ipod listening to of Fiona Apple’s “Extraordinary Machine” and possibly even to the smoking of clove cigarettes. Health officials have been warned that this individual’s attitude is potentially highly contagious, and to keep a sharp look out for youths wearing ill-fitting thrift store clothes who display signs of alienation, confusion, self doubt, irritability, mood swings, intense horniness and romanticized depression.

INSIDE THIS ISSUE: HUGS ALL AROUND AS CLASSMATES REUNITE AFTER LONG SUMMER BREAK...E.T.A. UNTIL REMEMBERING WHAT VAPID, IRRITATING JERKS THEY ARE; 9 DAYS See AFTER 3 MONTHS, I’M HAPPY TO BE AROUND ANYONE I’M NOT RELATED TO, pg5

RECENT POLL REVEALS THAT 75% OF HAMPSHIRE STUDENTS FEEL THAT THE OTHER HAMPSHIRE STUDENTS WHO DON’T HOLD THEIR EXACT BELIEFS AND INTERESTS ARE TAKING THOSE OTHER BELIEFS WAY, WAY TOO SERIOUSLY See “I” don’t like that...it’s stupid, Page What-EVER!

STRONG WILLED FEMINIST WHO MAKES HER OWN RULES DAILY STARVES SELF TO FIT INTO LATEST FASHIONS AND UPHOLD SOCIETAL NORMS OF SEXUAL ATTRACTIVENESS AND UNREALISTIC IDEALIZED BODY IMAGE See I AM WOMAN, HEAR ME PUKE! directly below photo of wicked skinny chick w/ big boobs

STUDENT HAPPY TO FIND OUT THAT RUSHING TO FINISH LAST SEMESTER’S PAPERS AND POSTING SELF-EVALS BY MAY 15th DEADLINE WAS MIRRORED BY PROFESSOR’S DILIGENCE IN POSTING VAGUE, UNHELPFUL, SEEMINGLY DISINTERESTED INSTRUCTOR’S FINAL EVALS BY FIRST WEEK OF AUGUST See IN REGARDS TO WRITING ASSIGNMENTS, DO AS I SAY, NOT AS I DO, Page Hypocrite

CURRENT EVENTS COMPETITIVELY DISCUSSED BLAIR HALL A group of strangers recently embarked on an unplanned session of “one upmanship” centered around the recent activities in southern Lebanon. The competition was innocently begun while waiting for ID photos to be taken, as a student made a remark about a magazine cover laying on a small table. “Dude, it is so fucked up what’s happening in Israel right now,” said an 18 year old male with the barest grasp of topical matters not involving jam band touring schedules. “Oh no, it’s not Israel, it’s Lebanon!” forcefully interjected a politically active 20 year old female transfer, who, feeling isolated all day, seized upon this opportunity to stand on firm ground. “Well, yeah, there too...” began the student at the head of the line, who got no further as the other five students loudly began chiming in. “Man, this is all happening because of Syria, if they hadn’t pulled out of...” began the student at the end of the line, who was interrupted by a student who once knew some friends whose parents had gone sightseeing at Petra in the late 1970’s, and therefore considered himself to be an expert on the subject. “You’re saying Syria’s pullout of Lebanon was bad? If anything, it’s Iran, man, they’re the ones directing this terrorism...” Moving one step away and extending her arms horizontally to dramatically show she disagreed with this statement, a female student shook her head slowly. “And what Israel is doing isn’t terrorism?” A full eight loud, agitated minutes of the name dropping of various Hamas, Syrian, Lebanese, Iranian, Israeli and Palestinian leaders followed, as well as a short lived, though heated, debate about the exact definition of both Shia and Zionism followed. “Dude, all I’m saying is, can’t we all just live in peace?” rhetorically and sincerely asked the student who inadvertently had begun the discussion. “Go fuck a rainbow, hippie!” shot back the adrenaline riddled student from the back of the line, and was given a loud “high five” by his neighbor, who, having run out of material to discuss sometime ago, particularly enjoyed the quick, stinging remark of no discernible value whatsoever. By the end of the ten minute impromptu discussion, one friendship had been cemented, three enemies were made (one of which will somehow turn 180 degrees into a drug and alcohol fueled frenzied sex session later in October), and saw the name of the Party of God, Hezbollah, pronounced thirty seven different ways.

THE BLACK SHEEP “NAME ME 1 OUTFIT THAT DOESN’T GO WITH A WHITE BELT AND WHITE SHOES” VOL. 14, Fall 06 Edition No. II
Breaking News... HETEROSEXUALITY FLAUNTED Reports have been flooding in from sociologists, human sexuality and gender studies majors, as well as concerned citizens, that all across the Hampshire campus a disturbingly high number of students have begun openly and brazenly exposing their sexuality. These students, who apparently like to do disquieting things to each other with their dissimilar genitalia, are not satisfied with keeping their fetishes in the privacy of their bedrooms and have begun advertising their sexual preferences in public for everyone (including children) to see. As a local expert guided the Black Sheep around campus, he/she pointed out that these heteros (who sometimes refer to themselves as “breeders”) need not be in pairs, touching each other in their highly ritualized modes of territorial markings of one another (disguised as lavish displays of affection) to be identified. “Look, there’s one now. A textbook case of someone who adopts the culturally identifiable signifying norms of their chosen sexuality into, and onto, their very identity. All he has to do is simply walk to the library, but that’s not enough for him. He’s got to go there without swinging his stiff hips, dressed in his non-fashionable, unmatching frumpy clothes; unkempt hair and unshaven face. It’s like...enough already, okay? We get it! You’re STRAIGHT!”

INSIDE THIS ISSUE: PRETENTIOUS, SMUG HIPSTER’S ATTEMPT AT BEING CHARMING AT PRESCOTT PARTY COMES OFF AS SMUG, PRETENTIOUS See ROLLING EYES AND SUPERIOR CHORTLE, page You Trendy Dick

NEWS OF A PEACEFUL PROTEST AGAINST CAMPUS TREES BEING CUT DOWN IS SPREAD BY USING PAPER FLIERS MADE FROM TREES WHICH WERE CUT DOWN See SIX OF ONE, HALF DOZEN OF THE OTHER, page Not thinking it completely through

RESEARCH FINDS THAT BATHROBES WORN INSIDE DINING COMMONS TO BE THE MOST EFFECTIVE BIRTH CONTROL KNOWN TO MANKIND See COME HITHER, YOU NASTY, RATTY OLD TERRY CLOTHE ROBE YOU pg Celibate

LEFT HANDED, DYSLEXIC BRITON HAILS REDESIGNED HAMPSHIRE ROADWAY See WORKERS OF THE WORLD UNTIE! Page 6 (or was it 9? Better check both to be sure)

WITH DYED HAIR, PIERCING ON FACE AND ACQUISITION OF A GARISH TATTOO, HAMPSHIRE STUDENT COMPLETES TRIFECTA OF ORIGINALITY pg. 3

HAMPSHIRE STUDENT HAS DONE, SEEN, ALL MERRILL SMOKING GAZEBO The independent, varied conversations of a group of smokers was recently held captive by a loud diatribe concerning any and every topic they tried to discuss by a fellow student who, apparently, has seen and done everything. The harangue began in the middle of a discussion about volunteering at a homeless shelter, as the omniscient one entered the gazebo and immediately interrupted, beginning a detailed retelling of a chilling, personal 7 &amp; 1/2 hour experience. “This one time? My friends and I went to see Phish in Albany, and after the show I got separated from them and was like...stranded. I had to spend the whole night in the parking lot. I met some cool chicks and we partied and stuff, but I’ll never forget that feeling of ‘Oh man...I’m stuck here!’ I can really understand how the homeless feel.” As it turns out, the feelings of resentment held by the disenfranchised peoples in third world American countries who are prevented entry to the United States by the stationing of National Guard troops and the activities of independent vigilante groups along the southern border are not unknown to the student. “Last summer I took a couple grand out of the ‘ol trust fund and backpacked around southern Mexico. I never quite made it to Chiapas, but I found some killer beaches in Oaxaca. But man, my buzz was totally killed coming back through immigration. They were all like checking my passport and opening my stuff. It was so humiliating,” he said with a downcast frown. “I fucking hate the Minutemen.” In fact, there was not a single topic brought up during the five cigarettes smoked that the student was not able to combine current events, political moralizing and his personal experiences into a lengthy story; including the telling of a tale about a four-shift stint as a summer dishwasher which “totally put the writings of Marx and Engels in perspective.”

MODMATE OFFENDED BY T.V. BROADCAST OF RACIST NFL FOOTBALL GAME ENFIELD A recent DIV III and “non-football or any of those other stupid sports either” fan shared her thoughts on a nationally televised NFL game. “I have never been so offended in my life,” said the student, still shaking with indignation at the mere thought of what she had seen. The outrage occurred at Sunday afternoon at 2:07 p.m. “I went downstairs, and two of those guys I don’t like had a few of their friends over to watch that stupid game.” Unable to control the urge to drag herself and her 3 ounce flip flops (which sounded like they weighed 90 pounds each) into the common area and make disparaging remarks about a game no one had even asked her to watch, the student was dumbstruck by the blatant racist images emanating from a substandard television screen. “I was all like going to spew out my usual bit about how football is nothing more than a veiled act of warfare, and that multimillionaire athletes are commodified objects who share more in common with slave auctions than free enterprise in their dealings with owners, and then ask who was playing, when those terrible, terrible images stopped me in my tracks.” Stunned into silence by the team and the fans who used cliched images of an ethnic minority, the student was further appalled when she discovered that her modmate was also wearing a hat which glorified the “warlike” attributes of the ethnic group, and who told her to “chill out” because he belonged to the particular group and it was “no big deal”. “I couldn’t believe it,” she later recounted. “What about focusing on Edvard Munch? Knut Hamsun? Ingmar Bergman? The Nobel Peace Prize? I can’t believe they named a team after an entire ethnicity. The Minnesota Vikings? Uh...Hello?”

WHERE PRIVILEGED STUDENTS OF ONE SKIN COLOR ASK PRIVILEGED STUDENTS OF ANOTHER SKIN COLOR IF THEY HAVE EXAMINED THEIR PRIVILEGE RECENTLY -- VOL. 15 Fall 06 Edition No. III
Breaking News... VAST CONSPIRATORIAL PLOT REVEALED DINING COMMONS An insidious web of nefarious intrigue was made public during a recent SAGA brunch. “I always feel sick after eating here,” said a bleary eyed male DIV II student, nibbling at a half pound of bacon covered in maple syrup as he waited what would turn out to be an excruciating fifteen minutes for a cream cheese and jalapeno omelet. Positive his gastrointestinal problems had something to do with a heinous and far reaching scheme of Sodexho Corp., at approximately 11:01 a.m. Saturday last he courageously exposed the truth; the highlights of which included his musings on the secret employment of a ten man team of on-site chemists who inject potatoes with four times their natural amount of starch, and an as-yet-undetermined method of odorlessly, texturelessly and tastelessly adding laxatives to everything from snacks to entrees to desserts. The comments, made after exactly 1 hour and 47 minutes of sleep, came hard on the heels of a round of Friday night parties which saw the student consume 98 ounces of low quality malt liquor, a snorted line of crushed Adyrol, 3/4 of a bottle of Tequila with Tobasco chasers, 3 marijuana cigarettes and six shots of Everclear. “Dude, they’ve gotta be doing something to the food,” he added. “I always get the shits right after,” he said, finishing his sixth cup of coffee.

INSIDE THIS ISSUE: TRUTH IN ADVERTISING LAWS FORCE HAMPSHIRE’S OFFICIAL NEWSPAPER “THE CLIMAX” TO CHANGE IT’S NAME TO MORE APT “THE DRY HUMP” See page IT’S FUNNY BECAUSE IT’S TRUE

SIZE OF HAMPSHIRE STUDENT’S SUNGLASSES NOT IN PROPORTION TO HEAD See AS ODD LOOKING AS CRISTINA RICCI’S FOREHEAD page Jackie O

STUDENT DISGUSTED WITH RELATIVE’S CHOICE IN FOX’S ONE SIDED “NEWS” WISHES FAMILY MEMBERS WERE MORE OPEN MINDED LIKE HIM AND CHOOSE “DEMOCRACY NOW” &amp; “THE DAILY SHOW” TO GET THEIR ONE SIDED “NEWS” See IT’S OBJECTIVE REPORTING AS LONG AS IT’S BIASED MY WAY page 4th Estate

OVEREDUCATED DIV III HAMPSHIRE STUDENT PROUD AFTER BESTING NOHO TOWNIE IN ARGUMENT ABOUT NIETZSCHIAN PHILOSOPHY AT LOCAL TAVERN See ALSO SPRACHT BOO-YAH! Page God (R.I.P.)

STUDENT DISCOVERS ACTUAL SEX NOTHING LIKE PORNOGRAPHY Greenwich “Mister X”, a self described “non-virgin”, who spoke to the Black Sheep on the condition of anonymity, described his recent foray into manhood. “First off, let me just say, there was a LOT more hair than I had expected,” said the longtime masturbator, whose primary dealings with the female reproductive system has come from viewing internet websites like “shavedkitty.com.” The triumphant deed which removed Mr. X’s unwanted virginity happened early this fall semester in an upstairs Greenwich double. “I was thinking like, ‘How sweet is this gonna be? Not only do I get to enjoy horizontal refreshments for the first time, but I’m gonna be tag teamed by these two chicks.’” However, unlike the scenes acted out by paid actresses, his partner’s roommate did not instantly disrobe and begin furiously bathing the two of them with her dexterous and curious tongue. “She kinda made an irritated face, took her books and left,” recalled the disappointed Mr. X. It was shortly after this point that Mr. X came of age. “We were kinda high from that Enfield party, so there wasn’t a whole lot of smooching before she revealed ‘the goods.’” It was when the female bent over to remove her shoes that Mr. X committed what would turn out to be the first of many errors. “I thought, ‘Hey, since you’re down there already...’” and placed both of his hands on top of her head and began rapidly thrusting his hips as if Little Eva were physically in the room and urgently imploring him to do the Locomotion. “It was kinda hard to understand what she was yelling, but it sounded like ‘Gef yo fuxing hansh off mah ead’, and then she bit me.” Physically and verbally rebuffed, Mr. X endeavored to reciprocate. “I’d never done any stamp licking before, but I was confidant I could pull it off.” However his haste resulted in ripping his partner’s expensive lace underwear off, which produced the opposite effect he was striving for. “She started freaking out, saying ‘My Mom bought me these!’ and began muttering, ‘What in Hell am I doing with my life?’ then she started kissing me passionately. Before I knew it I was in like Flynn.” As the point of no return neared, Mr. X did only what countless glossy magazines, web images and ten second internet porn clips had shown him to do. “As I knew I couldn’t last much longer, I quickly moved so that my knees were around her shoulders.” However, his partner did not react as expected. “Not only did she not eagerly and enthusiastically await my love snot, she seemed disappointed, confused, and then disgusted...kinda all at the same time.” After subsequently being pushed away and then ruining his partner’s pillowcase (which has since been burned), Mr. X found himself in territory that hasn’t, to his knowledge, been covered by the downloadable or streaming unrealistic eroticism of digitally captured heterosexual male fantasies. “Usually the camera kinda fades out after the money shot,” he said. “I tried to think of non-porno sex scenes in movies and what they did. I’ll admit, I panicked.” Unsure of what to do next, his attempt of switching instantaneously from inconsiderate pounding to unfelt tenderness was cut short. “She must have sensed my awkwardness, because she told me she had a class in the morning and asked me to leave.” Mr. X looks forward to another encounter with this particular partner, (“I really want to get me some backdoor action”), though when interviewed about the two and one half minutes of unbridled passion, the female in question acted as if she wished to forget the encounter altogether. “I don’t know where he gets his ideas about interacting with the opposite sex,” she said, flipping through the current issue of Cosmopolitan magazine; which this month features articles written by women about what men want, how to turn on a lover, a quiz on whether or not he is cheating, and how to tell what he is really thinking, not by asking him, but by studying his eyes and lips.

CELEBRATING TWO YEARS OF HATING YOU -- VOL. 16, Spring 07 Edition No. I
Breaking News... STUDENT CRUSHED TO DEATH UNDER WEIGHT OF OWN SELF DESCRIPTION A two week period of mourning has been declared for the entire Hampshire community following the tragic death of a DIV II student earlier this week. Campus EMTs, working in congress with the Amherst Fire Department, released a statement saying that the student, who identified herself by a bewildering and ever expanding hyphenated ethnic heritage (which included an innocent, though erroneous, claim of an imagined North American Native American aboriginal Indian ancestry) was pronounced dead at the scene of her Enfield Mod after being fatally smashed to less than one quarter inch thick under a mountain of adjectives. Friends of the straight edge pan-sexual anarcho-Maoist body modifying pro-choice altruistic situationist feminist gothic revivalist gluten-free pagan deconstructionist capricorn nonsmoking anti-vivisectionist vegan plan to hold a non-denominational remembrance service next Friday. A representative for the College released this statement. “These kids come here with a feeling of indestructibility. Once you start adding descriptors to yourself, it becomes like a drug, and you’re always looking for that next high. By the looks of it, she was barely able to walk upright as it was when she started drinking a cup of holistic free trade green Chi herbal tea and listening to the Afro-Cuban jazz cd that killed her.”

INSIDE THIS ISSUE: NUMBNUTS STILL WEARING SHORTS AND FLIP-FLOPS IN FEBRUARY See pg. HEY, IT’S 27 DEGREES OUTSIDE, BREAK OUT THE SUN SCREEN &amp; PAR-TAY!

STUDENT OVERJOYED THAT CONGRESS IS NO LONGER PRESIDED OVER BY A MIDDLE AGED MILLIONAIRE WHITE GUY, AND IS NOW, INSTEAD, (AT LAST) PRESIDED OVER BY A MIDDLE AGED MILLIONAIRE WHITE WOMAN See MEET THE NEW BOSS...SAME AS THE OLD BOSS, page XX

STUDENT WITH TRUST FUND BUMS 1,403rd CIGARETTE FROM STUDENT WHOSE FAMILY, LITERALLY, MORTGAGED THEIR FUTURE TO PAY FOR KID’S SCHOOL See IT’D BE A TOTAL HASSLE TO BREAK THIS 100 DOLLAR BILL, page Benjamins

STUDENTS WHO GAVE UP BOLOGNA, HOT DOGS, CHEESE, MILK AND ICE CREAM ADAMANTLY DEMAND THAT SAGA KEEP A COMPLETE STOCK OF FAKE BOLOGNA, FAKE HOT DOGS, FAKE CHEESE, FAKE MILK AND FAKE ICE CREAM See DID YOU GIVE THEM UP OR DIDN’T YOU? Page Having it both ways

ENTERTAINMENT: MAKE THE CONNECTION! Hampshire Edition

Draw a line between the actions taking place outside of the “Hampshire Bubble” and the privileged, self-absorbed, myopically introspective responses made from inside the bubble by the “new silent generation”! Score 10 points for each correct answer. Have fun!

OUTSIDE THE BUBBLE A) Death toll reaches 3000 soldiers and 100,000 civilians in the four year old illegal war in Iraq. B) Constitutional rights violated with continued use of wire taps. C) 400,000 people die in Darfur. D) 25,000,000 people dead from HIV-Aids E) Global warming melts polar ice caps F) U.S. Government violates Geneva Convention with “indefinite detainees” and the employment of CIA run “Black Sites” where prisoners are tortured. H) The National Debt reaches $8,675,757,293,254 or $28,855 per person. I) U.S. poverty rate rises to become the highest in the industrialized world.

INSIDE THE BUBBLE 1) Fist pumped as Hip Hop CD is played at excessive volume 2) Demands people refer to them by the contrary pronoun of their genitalia (for a semester or so, anyway) 3) "Circle A"symbol written on bathroom wall 4) Becomes a vegetarian. 5) Hair dyed fluorescent color. 6) Starts “Facebook” group with a political slogan, but that’s pretty much the extent of it. 7) Drinks alcohol quickly.And then smokes some pot. 8( Starts a petition to have "The Souper Bowl" restaurant change it's name.

THE OFFICIAL HOME OF THE MISANTHROPIC DATING CLUB -- VOL. 17 Spring 07 Edition No. II
Breaking News... STUDENT’S CONSTITUTIONAL RIGHT TO PRIVACY COMPROMISED AIRPORT LOUNGE A bleary eyed 1 a.m. gossip group disguised as a “study session” took on a more serious tone last week, as a male student interrupted a lively discussion about exactly how many fellow students you could sleep with before you were unable to attend any Hampshire campus social gathering due to awkwardness and drama (five), to share his concern of having his cyberlife tracked electronically by Mark Zuckerberg. “I feel so violated,” said the student, shuddering in horror at the fact that complete strangers could monitor his every e-activity. “That news feed? That’s just plain wrong. I don’t want random people I don’t even know to see what I’ve been doing.” The student became so concerned about the loss of his privacy, that he left the APL to head back to his mod and delete his account. However, upon logging in, he noticed that 10 of his friends were attending an event he wanted to go to, and that another friend he hadn’t spoken to recently (who he had a secret crush on) had written on a mutual friend’s wall. Foregoing his original plan, he instead spent the next 83 minutes updating his profile; voluntarily giving information on his hometown, political and religious views, his cell phone and mod room number, alternative e-mail addresses, links to his myspace page, wrote a note freely dispensing information on his future plans, joined three quasi-political groups, searched through his friends’ friends to see if he could “add” people he barely ever converses with to increase his Facebook friends number and uploaded photos to create an album showing exactly where he was during Jan. Term, and who he had spent it with.

INSIDE THIS ISSUE: MUSIC MONITOR GEARS UP FOR ANOTHER 4 HOUR SHIFT IN ATONAL HELL See page JUST FUCKING SHOOT ME

TEENAGER DRESSED IN WHITE COWBOY BOOTS, TIGHT WHITE PANTS, LONG SLEEVED PURPLE TUXEDO SHIRT, PASTEL NECKERCHIEF, CORDUROY JACKET AND “IRONIC” TRUCKER HAT FALLS OFF SOFA LAUGHING AT PHOTOS OF HIS PARENTS AS TEENAGERS AND HOW FUCKING STUPID THEY LOOKED See SWELL, HEP, GROOVY, BOSS, RAD, BITCHIN’, PHAT &amp; TIGHT, Page N.O.T.A.

STUDENT BEHIND OPRA BROCHURE TABLE LONELIEST PERSON ON CAMPUS See WHO WANTS TO GO ICE CLIMBING AND FREEZE WITH ME? page Nobody

the BLACK SHEEP PRESENTS A SAMPLE OF THIS YEAR’S DIV III TITLES &amp; THEIR “ENGLISH” TRANSLATIONS

“THROUGH MY EYES: A DISCOVERY OF SELF IN THE DEPTHS OF THE HIPSTER MOVEMENT” translation: “I am an asshole.”

“LA BONNE VIE; LE HISTORIE DES FEMMES ET PINOT NOIR” translation: “I am a pretentious asshole.”

“THINGS &amp; STUFF” translation: “I am a stupid asshole.”

“FRISBEE: A LOOK BACK AT THAT GUY WHO MAJORED IN FRISBEE” translation: “I just blew $173,000 of my parents money...WOO-HOO!!!!”

“A STUDY OF FOREIGN PARASITES ALONG THE MISSOURI RIVER BASIN” translation: “My disappearance from the circle of men will not soon be noticed.”

“THE ISLANDS OF GREECE, AN ETHNOGRAPHY ON ORGIES, TECHNO AND ‘E’” translation: “My trust fund matures in 18 months; fuck all y’all.”

I AM AN AMERICAN TOO: AN EXAMINATION ON THE LIVES OF MULTI-RACIAL, BI-LINGUAL, TRANS-GENEDERED ADOPTED THIRD WORLD ILLEGAL ALIEN IMMIGRANT FRUIT PICKERS IN THE SAN FERNANDO VALLEY AS VIEWED THROUGH THE LENS OF HIERARCHAL MALE DOMINATED MEDIA AND THE STRUGGLE TO ESCAPE THE LIMITING NORMATIVE ROLES ASSIGNED TO THEM BY MAINSTREAM SOCIETY translation: “I haven’t slept since January 14th, 2007.”

WHERE THE STRUGGLE FOR REVOLUTION IS FOUGHT VIA A CONCENTRATION ON THE STRICT ADHERENCE TO TERMINOLOGY INSTEAD OF TANGIBLE ACTION OF ANY SORT -- VOL. 29, February 2008
Breaking News… HAMPSHIRE PROFESSOR DISCOVERS WIKIPEDIA FACULTY LOUNGE A Natural Science professor strode into deep virtual waters yesterday while innocently using her downtime to “surf the net” and plan for her upcoming summer vacation at a horse ranch in Colorado. The NS professor made the startling discovery of the online encyclopedia almost exactly seven years to the day after it was founded by Nupedia’s Larry Sanger and Jimmy Wales. The discovery of the immensely popular online site was made following a colleague’s suggestion that she “google” horses. Replying that she was open minded about human sexuality, but not THAT open minded, the teacher was told to type the word horses in “that little white bar at the extreme right hand side” of her bulky 1999 HP desktop, which led not only to her awareness of search engines, but also to the fact that the oft-overheard word wikipedia “wasn’t actually a new sex position, or illegal drug of some sort”. Still awaiting discovery later this month will be the shocking revelations youtube, videolemon and the regrettably grisly find rotten.com

STUDENT’S INTERNET MYSTERY REMAINS UNSOLVED MERRILL A returning 2007 freshman reported yesterday that though his friends about campus interact with him physically, all virtual communication has, for some unknown reason, come to a halt. “They all, like, still talk to me at SAGA, in class and at the library and everything, but no one responds to my ‘pokes’ or any of my wall posts. It’s weird.” The Black Sheep’s technology editor immediately took the case and found the student’s claims to be true. “I went to his Facebook (™) page, and started scrolling down to his profile. I passed his hatching eggs application, (fluff) friends, growing gifts, super wall, bumper sticker, hug me, Acebucks, Oregon trail, send good karma, spank me, Quran verses, smiles, quizzes, horoscopes, beer!, attack!, Car IQ, what kind of eyes do you have?, perfect match, flirtable, thought for the day, know me well?, what fruit are you?, cuddle me, how many five year olds could you take in a fight?, sexy friends, massage me, sweet gifts, super poke, top friends, where I’ve been, water fight, dope wars, birthday alert, graffiti, instant IQ test, who is online, mardi gras, cartoon me, how dirty minded are you?, trend setter, Hi 5 me, which Star Wars character are you?, romantic gifts, secret wall, you’re naughty, nudge me, are you CrazySexy or CrazyCool?, sexypoke!, what drug are you?, which Hollywood celebrity are you? and finally scrolled passed his are you a procrastinator application forty-five minutes later. Sure enough, his last wall post was dated December 12th, 2007 at 3:45 a.m., and read simply ‘WTF?’”

INSIDE THIS ISSUE: RICH KID DOESN’T REALLY SEE CLASS AS AN ISSUE For full story see SUM UP HAMPSHIRE COLLEGE IN NINE WORDS OR LESS

STUDENT WHO URGES YOU TO BE A “LOCAL HERO” BY BUYING LOCAL PRODUCE ADVERTISES THIS WISH WITH BUMPER STICKER ON JAPANESE CAR See LOOK, JUST STOP IT ALREADY, page STOP IT

PROFESSOR WHO REFUSES TO ALLOW INTERNET SOURCES TO BE USED IN BIBLIOGRAPHIES ASSIGNS HOMEWORK WITH LINKS TO AN INTERNET SITE See Oohhhhhhhh, SO WHEN Y O U DO IT IT’S OKAY…, Page Got it

RACIST RAISES ACCUSASTION OF RACISM AGAINST RACISTS DURING HEATED DISCUSSION ABOUT RACE See REPEAT AFTER ME YOU BOURGEOIS BASTARDS, HUMAN RACE, Page BIOLOGY

SAGA EMPLOYEE HAS HEART ATTACK AFTER DIRTY DISH IS PLACED IN WRONG STACK BY STUDENT AT DISH RETURN See LOWER CLASS WORKER FUCKED BY THE UPPER CLASS, Page YET AGAIN

RADICAL, FUN HAIRCUT FAILS TO MAKE STUDENT ANYMORE FUN, RADICAL See Supplamental Mid-week Fashion pull out

INCOMING DIV ONE “FEBS” PROCLAIM TO WORLD THAT THEY ARE HERE TO SAVE IT; OUTGOING DIV THREES TELL WORLD TO GO FUCK ITSELF See SUM UP HAMPSHIRE COLLEGE IN TWENTY THREE WORDS OR LESS

THE BLACK SHEEP “DELROY IS WATCHING YOU” VOL. 28, Fall 07 Edition No. V
Breaking News… MARTIAL LAW DECLARED FOLLOWING RIOTS AFTER SAGA RUNS OUT OF TATER TOTS DURING LAST WEEK’S ILL-FATED SUNDAY BRUNCH Barricaded inside their home for their own safety, Manfred and President Hexter call for calm; Delroy proclaims “If we had those surveillance cameras up, none of this would have happened”.

THE FIVE COLLEGES REACT: MT. HOLYOKE:News of tragedy met with mousey, pony tailed silence. AMHERST: “Those bastards get TATER TOTS?!!!” cries entire hung-over rich athlete campus. SMITH: Lesbians and Republicans unite &amp; have 1 fewer cup of Haymarket coffee in solidarity. UMASS: Last week’s rioting Red Sox fans think reason for the Hampshire riots “stupid”.

PAGE THREE EXCLUSIVE! A rioting insider tells all!!! Oppressed suburbanite from Sherman Oaks, California who summered in Zurich gives first hand account of fried potato deprived frenzy!

INSIDE THIS ISSUE: ALTERNATIVE STUDENT REFUSES TO LISTEN TO ALTERNATIVE POINT OF VIEW See WHAT AN EXPENSIVE “MIND OPENING” EDUCATION IS ALL ABOUT, page Diatribe

PUB SAFETY OFFICERS ARMED WITH BILLYCLUBS WORRY ABOUT A.L.F. ON CAMPUS DUE TO THEIR WILLINGNESS TO USE VIOLENCE TO ACHIEVE AIMS See IF ONE OF THOSE KIDS MAKE A MOVE, I’LL FUCKING SHOOT ‘EM, page M.D.C. Delroy proclaims “If we have no surveillance cameras, who will protect our lab rats?”

RECORD 274TH “LAST SWIG” OF BEER CONFISCATED AFTER ENFIELD PARTY See THAT ONE OUNCE MADE ALLLLLLLLLLLL THE DIFFERENCE, page Elliot Ness Delroy proclaims “If we had those surveillance cameras up, this would have happened sooner”

SECURITY CAMERAS TO END REIGN OF HAMPSHIRE TERROR CAUSED BY CRIPPLING WAVE OF MURDERS, BABY SNATCHINGS, TERRORIST CELLS, SATANIC RITUALS AND NUMEROUS ILLEGAL ARMS-FOR-HOSTAGES DEALS See HEY, LET’S ALL OVERREACT, page Both sides talking really loudly before thinking

The Black Sheep presents a special report: A Campus torn apart: HAMPSHIRE SECURITY CAMERAS

POINT: by THE “RADICAL” LEFT

TECHNOLOGY SET TO BRING RACIAL PROFILING TO EXCITING NEW ERA See YES OFFICER, I DO GO TO THIS SCHOOL, BIATCH, page Goddammit!!!

AREA STORES STOCK UP ON CANS OF BLACK SPRAY PAINT IN WHAT IS SURE TO BECOME THE DIRECT POLITICAL ACTION OF PAINTING CAMERA LENSES See pg. PUB SAFETY INCREASES PARKING LOT PRESENCE TO PROTECT CAMERAS

FUTURE SEXUAL ASSAULTS IN DORMROOMS TO BE CAPTURED BY SECURITY CAMERAS POINTED 180 DEGREES IN OPPOSITE DIRECTION See WAS THERE A GAS LEAK AT THE STUPID FACTORY?, page Or what? Delroy asks “Without surveillance cameras, who would moniter our poorly lit parking lots?”

COUNTERPOINT: By THE OTHER SIDE OF THE “RADICAL” LEFT

STUDENT’S PROTEST AGAINST SECURITY CAMERAS BEING PUT IN PLACE ON THE HAMPSHIRE CAMPUS PRECEDED BY ERRAND RUNNING WHERE SHE WAS CAUGHT ON TAPE AT THE BANK, GROCERY STORE, GAS STATION AND 7-11 See YOU DO KNOW NO ONE IS ACTUALLY WATCHING THESE, page Right? Delroy slated to work non-stop 24 hour video monitoring shifts for the next eight years

DARK AGE OF TOTALITARIAN ORWELLIAN OPPRESSION HERALDED IN BY THE INSTALLATION OF SECURITY CAMERAS IN HAMPSHIRE PARKING LOTS See CAMERAS LINKED TO SKYNET LATER THIS MONTH, page Arnold Schwarzenegger Delroy says “Be sure to drop by for mandatory insertion of microchips into hand or forehead”

AFTER BEING EXPLAINED DURING Q&amp;A SESSION ON SECURITY CAMERAS THAT THE IDEA FOR CAMERAS CAME FROM STUDENTS, ANGRY STUDENT WANTS TO KNOW WHERE THE IDEA OF INSTALLING CAMERAS CAME FROM See REACTIONARY REACTION REEKS WRATH, page I’ve made up my mind already Delroy found to cause cancer, HIV-Aids,World hunger, Global warming, leprosy, Nigerian economic woes, draught, meteor showers, Erectile disfunction, Yeast infections and DIV I.

THE BLACK SHEEP “WHERE UPPER MIDDLE CLASS KIDS COMPLAIN ABOUT BEING MARGINALIZED” VOL. 27, Fall 07 Edition No. IV
Breaking News… FILM STUDENT DECONSTRUCTS HIMSELF OUT OF A FRIEND A DIV II film major has recently begun employing the techniques he has been learning in class to critique every aspect of his modmates’ lives. “He’s gotten way out of hand with this bullshit,” said a housemate who spoke on the condition of anonymity. According to eyewitnesses, last week the two were talking while the film student was preparing dinner, and during a lull in conversation, the modmate began cleaning the kitchen area. “He turned back to look at me and said that under the principles of Structuralism I had just called his cooking garbage, because he had looked at me, looked at his pot of food and then looked at me holding a bag of trash. I was like, ‘What the fuck are you talking about?’ and he was all like, ‘The Kuleshov Effect, man.’” The film student then subsequently ruined a Friday night party. “I was just starting to get a good buzz-on when he cornered me and wouldn’t shut up about how if you looked at the party under the terms of Formalism, you could clearly see that it was the booze, the loud music and the loud talking which made it seem more festive than it actually was, because any of them on their own could not suggest the heightened state of frivolity, it was only the combination which made it seem so. I turned to leave and he grabbed my arm and went off on this rant that the hip-hop that was playing was a sort of recuperation where the music of the proletariat had been subjugated by the bourgeoisie to announce their copious leisure time by displaying their affluence. A half an hour later he was on about how all the chicks at the party were dressed up not to enjoy themselves at a party, but were acting as submissive objects of “the male gaze”, which led to another excruciating ten minutes about how the girls are only objects of desire and something about them not existing until the second we look at them according to Lacanian theory. I’m pretty sure he was wrong about that last bit, but I didn’t want to get into it with him.” The final straw was reached yesterday when the film major accused the modmate of commodity fetishism. According to sources, the last words that will ever be spoken to the film major by the modmate were, “Look dude, it was cold, and I bought a fucking sweater.”

INSIDE THIS ISSUE: EVIDENTLY, RIGHT IN FRONT OF SAGA’S COMPOST BARRELS IS THE ABSOLUTE BEST PLACE TO EAT LAST BITE AND DRINK ½ CUP OF COFFEE See pg. YOU ALL CAN JUST WAIT BACK THERE FOR 3 MINUTES WHILE I FINISH UP

15 SECOND STORY ABOUT LOST DORM KEYS TAKES TEN MINUTES TO TELL See LET ME JUST LIST OFF THE 10,000 PLACES I DIDN’T FIND THEM, page Protracted

LOCAL FOODS STUDENT ACTIVIST WHO THINKS THE MUSHY, WORM RIDDEN BROWN APPLES ARE THE ONES THAT AREN’T LOCAL IN FOR QUITE A SHOCK See THEY SUCK BECAUSE THEY WERE SHIPPED FROM FAR AWAY, page Preservatives

UPON REVIEW, HAMPSHIRE STUDENT THINKS MAYBE DROPPING SIX HITS OF ACID AND WANDERING AROUND AMONGST ZOMBIES, DEVILS AND GHOULS PROBABLY WASN’T THE BEST IDEA IN THE WORLD See HEY, LET’S DROP TONIGHT, IT’LL BE F UN!, page Mortal Terror

The Black Sheep Presents THE TOP 10 HAMPSHIRE HALLOWEEN COSTUMES OF 2007!


 * 10: (tie) The “Dressed as a middle class private liberal college student” and “Lame”.


 * 8: The “I didn’t dress up, but now that it’s 3 a.m. and I’m covered in eggs and vomit, I guess I’m the drunk asshole in SAGA guy” costume.


 * 7: LISTEN, UNDERWEAR IS NOT A COSTUME.


 * 6: The “Well, it seemed clever and funny when I was high last Tuesday” costume.


 * 5: The “My nipples are are fucking killing me because I’m half naked and it’s 40 fucking degrees and raining outside” costume.


 * 4: The “It has to be explained” costume.


 * 3: The “It still didn’t make any sense after it was explained” costume


 * 2: The “I saw it on ebay, had to have it, paid the $500 plus $125 in overnight shipping, wore it for an hour, then took it off and got drunk in my mod” costume.

…and the number one costume for the twenty seventh consecutive year…

“Skank”.

THE BLACK SHEEP “WE GIVE YOU FREEDOM OF PREDETERMINED CHOICE” VOL. 26, Fall 07 Edition No. III
Breaking News… LIBERAL NAMES LIBERALLY DROPPED A stimulating conversation concerning two Hampshire student’s romantic relationships was recently held in the bridge area of the Bridge café. ‘You know what I like about Jack?” asked the female student, “It’s the way we understand each other, It’s like, I’m Anais Nin and he’s my Henry Miller.” The male student pursed his lips in disagreement. “I don’t know, you two seem more like Jean Paul-Satre and Simone de Beauvoir to me.” Stunned by this blatantly unfair comparison, the female student immediately shot back, “Well, your relationship with Bill is easilly comparable to Albert Camus and Francine Faure’s.” Dropping his head back to laugh louder than necessary, the male student quickly agreed, “Yes! I sometimes feel that I play the role of Leon Trotsky and he’s my Lev Kamenev.” “Or Grigory Zinoviev,” quickly added the female student. Abruptly pointing at each other simultaenously, the two laughed and said “Nikolai Bukharin!!!” The conversation was interrupted by a passing fellow classmate. “What are you two up to? My god, you sound like Noam Chompsky and Edward Said!” Fixing both of their kafia’s at nearly the same time to distract from the awkward uncomfortable silence, the female student quietly mumbled, “Nothing. We’re just sharing a goat cheese and spinach torte.” Rolling his eyes as his walked away, the passing student bade the two goodnight as they leaned in towards one another and whispered, “I fucking hate that guy. He’s soooo pretentious!”

INSIDE THIS ISSUE: VISITING PARENT COMPLETELY BEFUDDLED BY HAMPSHIRE PARKING, CAMPUS LAYOUT, COFFEE MACHINES, MOD NAMES, DOORS, Etc. See NOW WHERE DID I LEAVE MY HEAD?, Page HEY, has anybody seen my head?

STUDENT WHO SKIPPED SIX OF HER LAST EIGHT CLASSES WISHES HAMPSHIRE ALSO HAD “MOUNTAIN DAY” SO SHE COULD HAVE A DAY OFF See I JUST REALLY NEED A BREAK FROM ALL THESE TESTS AND GRADES, Page 9

NON SMOKING STUDENT REALLY, REALLY WANTS TO LET YOU KNOW ALL ABOUT THE FACT THAT HE DOESN’T SMOKE, OR LIKE SMOKE OR SMOKERS See YOU ARE MORE IRRITATING THAN…WELL, CIGARETTE SMOKE, Page F.U.

STUDENT WHO IGNORES THE SIGNS TELLING HIM NOT TO SPRAY THE WAFFLE MACHINE WITH VEGALENE AND TO USE A FULL SCOOP OF WAFFLE BATTER WONDERS WHY HIS WAFFLE IS ALL FUCKED UP AFTER SPRAYING THE MACHINE WITH VEGALENE AND USING ONLY ½ A SCOOP OF BATTER See WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH THIS MACHINE?, page Stupid machine

Entertainment Section: HAMPSHIRE CAMPUS BUILDINGS QUIZ

1) Mold growth and isolation; Ten letters, beginning with “G” _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

2) Drug deals and Fri-Sat night parties happen here; Seven letters, beginning with “E” _ _ _ _ _ _ _

3) Where plays you have no intention of ever going to see are performed; Three letters (abv.), beginning with “”E” _ _ _

4) Where gossip is exchanged and loud cell phone conversations are held; Seven letters, beginning with “L” _ _ _ _ _ _ _

5) Used as a shortcut to the Bridge Café; Three letters (abv.), beginning with “R” _ _ _

6) No Irish need apply: Two words, fourteen letters, beginning with “C” _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

7) Pointless scientific DIV I requirements fulfilled here: Three letters (abv.), beginning with “A” _ _ _

8) Where your first concrete thoughts of murder are formed after you wait in line for 40 minutes trying to register for a Five College class, are told to register THERE, so you take the bus over, and are told to return to Hampshire and register THERE, and when you do, you find out that the class is full because it took you so long to register: Two words, fourteen letters, beginning with “C” _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

9) Live student run radio that no one listens to is broadcasted here: Four letters, beginning with “Y” _ _ _ _

10) Classist, abstract political theorizing happens here: Three letters (abv.), beginning with “F” _ _ _

11) &amp; 12) Alcohol and drug abuse, as well as clumsy teenaged sex happens here: Two words, twelve letters, beginning with “M” _ _ _ _ _ _ _ &amp; _ _ _ _ _

13) Here you will gain 10 lbs. and wonder why you always feel so sick as your thrice daily meals you yourself choose consist primarily of pizza, cheese, tater tots and ice cream (also a place of the theft of bowls, silverware and various foodstuffs for mod residents): Four letters, beginning with “S” _ _ _ _

14) The rest of your pointless scientific DIV I requirements are fulfilled here: Four letters, beginning with “C” _ _ _ _

15) &amp; 16) Ugly music, dance and art are made inside these ugly buildings: Two words, ten letters, beginning with “M” _ _ _ _ _ and _ _ _ _ _

17) This is where an uber evolved race of pretentious beings dwell: Eight letters, beginning with “P” _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

THE BLACK SHEEP “WHERE LABELS ARE FOR JARS; UNLESS THEY PUT ME IN AN EXCLUSIONARY POSITION OF POWER OVER YOU” VOL. 25, Fall 07
Edition No. II Breaking News… HEADS OF HAMPSHIRE ADMINISTRATORS STILL OFFICIALLY UP ASS The generally accepted idea that Hampshire adminstrators have absolutely no idea of what they are talking about as it pertains to the students of this campus was reinforced late last week as the subject of Hampshire’s attrition rate was discussed. The views expressed on why so many fed up kids transfer out centered on “freedom”, which sounded like the Moon was the closest the officials had ever approached an actual Hampshire student. “Yeah, that’s why I left,” said a now-current UMASS student. “I was so tough going to college; what with all the interesting, motivated, politically conscious, sexually attractive people and the chance to party whenever I wanted. I almost wanted to run straight back to my parent’s house, where I could sit alone at night in my tiny bedroom because I have an 12 a.m. curfew and stare at my old Nirvana poster for the eleven millionth time.” In addition to personal freedom, academic freedom was also cited as a reason for the innumerable transfers. “Yeah, it was tough last semester with so much freedom. The freedom to not get into classes, the freedom to take required classes that have nothing to do with my interests and the freedom to be told ‘no’ whenever I asked to do any independent studies. It was because of this scary freedom that I had to transfer to a school that cost $20,000 a year less. Maybe if I had had less of this ‘freedom’, or maybe if how Hampshire advertises itself wasn’t a complete fucking lie, I’d have made it. But who can say for sure?”

INSIDE THIS ISSUE: STUDENT WHO CHOOSES NOT TO EAT MEAT, FISH, DAIRY, WHEAT, NUTS, SOY, REFINED SUGAR OR BEANS BITTERLY WONDERS ALOUD AS TO WHY HE IS BEING UNFAIRLY SINGLED OUT BY SAGA’S LIMITED DINING OPTIONS See WHY’S EVERYBODY ALWAYS PICKIN’ ON ME?, page Charlie Brown

DIV III WHO SITS IN ROOM SMOKING POT AND PLAYING VIDEO GAMES ALL DAY THINKS THIS YEAR’S INCOMING FRESHMAN CLASS IS REALLY BORING See “COOL” STARTS AT ISOLATION IN THE MODS, page Yawn

LEMELLSON STUDENT DECIDES TO BREAK SOME NEW GROUND AND GO WAY FREAKIN’ NUTS AND MAYBE BUILD A BICYCLE OR SOMETHING THIS YEAR See AS OPPOSSED TO…?, page Otra Vez

DURING CLASS DISCUSSION, MALE STUDENT THINKS THE FEMALE CLASSMATE WITH BIG BOOBS HAS MADE SOME REALLY TERRIFIC POINTS See THEY WERE JUST SO WELL ROUNDED AND EXPANSIVE, page Supple

SELECTIONS FROM THE “HAMPSHIRE DICTIONARY” Authentic/Authenticity: A dubious self-important subjective term usually self-measured by the middle class person making it based entirely upon what they have read in expensive text books or their own experiences, which, since they are middle class, are not authentic in any way, shape or form.

Social Change: A term used by student “activists” to encompass absolutely anything they do; for example, “I spent my summer touring foreign cultures working for social change”, which translates, literally, to “My parents flew me to Dublin, Milan and Cancun, where I got drunk at pubs, wine bars and Cantinas.”

Orientation Leader: A DIV II or III who is more interersted in making phone calls and hanging out with their friends than helping you figure out the Hub, how to register or anything at all that has to do with Hampshire academically. However, learning to work around these people is invaluable, because they mirror the EXACT actions that your future Advisors, Committee members &amp; Chair, Central Records and Financial Aid officers will all make for the next four years.

T.A.: The only person in your class that doesn’t get in trouble for staring at the wall blankly for 50 minutes in utter silence.

Hipster: Anyone but you.

Intern: 1) A complete prick who takes every rule way too fucking seriously and seems to have a violent allergic reaction to anything that involves fun, having it, or planning to have it. 2) A complete prick who won’t do anything about the constant noise caused by 24 hour foot traffic on your hall by fellow students to buy drugs because your intern is the drug dealer’s best customer.

Post-Modern: A term used to describe a complete piece of crap that you threw together at the last minute.

Add/drop: Your chance two weeks into the semester to get out of one of your terrible required classes, and make a lateral move to a different terrible required class, where you can enjoy being two weeks behind on the reading (that is, if there are any books left in the book store).

Independent Study: The “Holy Grail” of Hampshire College; a mythical being which apparently is an anethma to professors, and most likely isn’t allowed to actually exist.

THE BLACK SHEEP “THE UNOFFICIAL, THOUGH MORE ACCURATE, HAMPSHIRE ORIENTATION GUIDE” VOL. 24, Fall 07 Edition No. I
Breaking News… “UNATTAINABLE” HISTORIC MARK SET BY HAMPSHIRE STUDENTS Following weeks of planning, training on the RCC rock climbing wall and suffering the abuse of fellow stuidents who said it couldn’t be done, a DIV II team attempted the “impossible” last weekend; successfully walking from Greenwhich to Prescott. Setting their base camp at the Yurt, at sun-up the two person team set off on their journey. “It was touch and go from the start. There was a stiff 3-mile an hour breeze from the east, but we knew wind gusts could spike at anywhere from 5 to 10 miles an hour as we got closer to the target.” At mid-day the explorers found a small New Zealand flag near the Cole Science building (planted there by Sir Edmund Hillary and Tenzig Norgay) marking the furthest humans had ever successfully ventured from Greenwhich. The team had dumped their provisions to save on weight as they crossed the wide expanses of the Library quad, and were grateful to find the still frozen chocolates Nogay had left as an offering decades earlier. However, growing low on oxygen, the team found a grisly discovery near the Cultural Center. “We could see what we believed was Prescott through a dense copse of trees when we stumbled upon a pair of human skeletons.” Surmised to be the mortal remains of the ill-fated Fall Semester-1978 attempt to conquer Prescott, the team dumped their gear and made a mad dash on the most dangerous leg of their journey. “Ten minutes later, we stood atop the smoking gazebo in front of the Tavern. We each took a quick photo on our iphones, then scurried back to base before the sun set, knowing that being in Prescott after sundown could see the temperature drop 5 degrees, killing us both.” Arriving back at donut one two days later, the team was given a heroes welcome and were each Knighted by the British Empire.

INSIDE THIS ISSUE: 1,200 PEOPLE NOT ACTUALLY INTERESTED IN HOW YOUR SUMMER WAS See VAGUE NOD, SLIGHT SMILE AND FAR-AWAY STARES, page Over &amp; Over &amp; Over

STUDENT PLANS TO WAGE FOUR-YEAR FIGHT ON WAR AND INEQUALITY THROUGH THE CONCENTRATED EXAMINATION OF THEIR OWN SEXUALITY See EVERYONE IS SURE TO BE AS INTERESTED AS I AM ABOUT ME, page Moi

PHYS. PLANT STRIVES TO BEAT PESKY GREENWHICH MOLD PROBLEM VIA COMPLEX MIXTURE OF STANDING AROUND WITH HANDS ON HIPS, PAINT See THIRTY YEARS IS A LONG TIME TO BE “TEMPORARY” page Condemned

OVER-POLITICIZED PRUDES WILL DECIDE WHAT SEX IS SAFE, HOT AND RESPECTFUL FOR YOU AND YOUR PARTNER, THANK YOU VERY MUCH See MY POLITICS SHOULD BE EVERYBODY’S POLITICS, page Am I right, or am I right?

SUMMER SPENT FIGHTING CULTURAL APPROPRIATION WELL-TO-DO SUBURB, U.S.A. In an exclusive interview with the Black Sheep, a returning Hampshire student recently shared a detailed list of how this past summer was spent in pursuit of Non Satis Scire. Following the lead put forth by last semester’s brave fight against the racist evils of Hampshire students who culturally appropriate Rastafarians (the only people in history, including Neaderthals, to have ever had unwashed, matted hair) and the Native American Alogonquin Indians (who frequently used electric blowdryers and aerosol cans of hairspray to make their fluorescent blue mohawks stand nine inches straight up), the student began looking into other areas not included in the event. “Cultural appropriation is everywhere. Just think about it; Tyr, Oden, Thor and Frey. If I was a Viking, you can bet I’d be pretty pissed off about having my gods names stolen to name Tuesday through Friday,” said the student, nodding in agreement with their own statement. The painful personal fight against the ubiqitous iniquity of cultural appropriation began before the student left campus in May. “I’d been saving up for a year to get a tattoo,” explianed the aspiring scholar. “But then I thought, wait, I’m not Polynesian!” Choosing to see the worldwide spread of the Pacific Islanders’ art by Captain James Cook and his minions not as an example of how a small part of a tiny and isolated culture could spread across the planet and affect and change cultures thousands of miles distant and thereby act as a small step towards moving people towards understanding on a global scale, the student did some academic digging on the subject. “As it turns out, the art of tattoo may in fact be centered in the Pacific basin, but the technology used to make the tattoos comes from where these aboriginals emigrated from.” DNA research revealed that all Pacific Islanders could be genetically traced back to a single human being, Wai Foo Lau, who lives just east of Shanghai. “Anyone who gets a tattoo, therefore, is culturally oppressing Mr. Wai,” noted the student sternly. “I was so excited by my findings that I wanted to email everyone about it, but then I remembered that written language was invented in the fertile crescent between the Tigris and Euphrates rivers, and since I’m not Iraqi, I might as well change my name to Adolf Hitler if I write a single letter or word again.” In the wake of these findings, swift politcal action was taken the moment the student arrived back at their lavish upscale suburban home in June. “The first thing I did was go to the back yard and burn every pair of Levi’s I could get my hands on. I mean, I’m not a Jewish mercantile, am I?” At great personal loss, the student began the month of July swearing off some of her favorite foods. “Pasta originated in China. Tomatoes are indigenous to the American continent. Therefore, it was only too obvious that all Italian food is part of a subtle male dominated hegemony to deny people of color their authentic heritage.” In fact, by the end of the month, beverages were struck from the list of acceptable things to be injested. “There I was, sitting at the table one morning when it hit me; I was appropriating the entirety of nearly 6,000 years of all Asian and sub-Indian continental cultures everytime I had a single cup of tea.” The student gave a sorrow filled glance at the floor, adding, “And don’t even get me started on coffee. That face staring back at me in the mirror is neither Mesoamerican nor sub-Saharan African.” The entire early September interview, where the politically conscious student (who has no Arabic background, and therefore will no longer use the number zero) disspelled the quaint myth that historically all of human progress has in fact been furthered by the awareness and sharing of different cultures was a difficult one for both the reporter and interviewee. Due to the fact that the student only speaks English, a language which is based upon the cultural appropriation of Germans, Scandinavians, the French and Romans, the interview was given via a non-offensive means of communication consisting of a complex system of taps, clicks, bleets, grunts and whistles.

THE BLACK SHEEP “FUCK YOU YOU FUCKING FUCK” VOL. 23, Spring 07 Edition No. VIII
Breaking News... “TOO MUCH DIVERSITY” DOOMS POTENTIAL HAMPSHIRE STUDENT A “dream” candidate for F07 enrollment was recently turned down after an exhaustive interview process at admissions earlier this week. A classist insider, who spoke on the condition of anonymity, described what happened. “When we got, well, let’s say ‘Jamie Doe’, Jamie’s application, we were ecstatic, Jamie seemed to be just the kind of material we at Hampshire are always looking for.” In fact, the self-motivated Jamie Doe took a bus all the way from South Dakota to see first hand the college experience that had always been dreamed about. “We immediately went over Jamie’s high school academic file. It was outstanding. It was amazing that someone who is not only left handed, but also adopted, should score so high on the S.A.T.s.” Jamie’s commitment to community service, an integral part of Non Satis Scire, was then investigated. “Hospitals, local youth groups, meals on wheels, Jamie seemed to have done it all, quite a feat for a midget, gender non-normative.” Everything seemed to be falling into place for the Native American, that is, until the financial Aid forms were filled out. “It came as a great shock that such a gifted, motivated, responsible individual was poor. It was with a heavy heart that we had to inform Ms(r). Doe (via email) that though we would love to admit a green eyed, left handed, adopted, midget, Native American, gender non-normative, (s)he just didn’t fit into Hampshire’s homogeneously privileged middle-class ‘diversity’ qualification.” See NOT IN MY UPSCALE NEIGHBORHOOD, Page $$$ for full story

INSIDE THIS ISSUE: CONFUSED FIRST YEAR ENDS 48 HOUR SIT-IN AT CULTURAL CENTER WITHOUT ONCE HEARING DVORAK OR SEEING A SINGLE PAINTING BY MATISSE See I HAVE CULTURE TOO!, page Not so much

STUDENT’S FRIENDS ALL SUSPICIOUSLY HAPPEN TO BE “HAPPEN TO BE-S” See THEY’RE ALL W.A.S.P.S? I DIDN’T EVEN NOTICE THEY’RE WHITE, pg. Cracker

STUDENT DISGUSTED WITH HOW MUCH FOOD SAGA WASTES IS SEEN TAKING 4 PIECES OF PIZZA, SPILLING 1/2 A BOWL OF CEREAL, TAKING NINE POPSICLES AND THEN THROWING 2 POUNDS OF THEIR UNEATEN FOOD IN THE COMPOST See SUSTAINING THE EARTH STARTS WITH ALL OF YOU GUYS page Not With Me

AMHERST AND NORTHAMPTON VOW TO BATTLE TO THE DEATH TO WIN COVETED NOTHING-TO-DO-BORING-AS-HELL-HICK-TOWN CONTEST See IS IT THAT HARD TO MAKE A GOOD BURRITO?, page Seriously

STUDENT WHO REFUSES TO ATTEND ON-CAMPUS FILM SCREENINGS, GUEST LECTURERS, IMPROV SESSIONS, LIVE MUSIC, THE CIRCUS, PLAYS, ARTISTS’ GALLERIES, &amp; WON’T LISTEN TO/BROADCAST OVER THE YURT CONSTANTLY COMPLAINS THAT THERE IS NEVER ANYTHING TO DO AT HAMPSHIRE See SMOKING POT ON ONE OF DAKIN’S BALCONIES, page AGAIN

STUDENT’S CONSTANT USE OF THE WORD PROBLEMATIC PROBLEMATIC See A BOURGEOIS WAY TO SAY “I DON’T LIKE IT”, page Pretending to be smart

HAMPSHIRE STUDENT WINS, LOSES FIGHT DOWNTOWN AMHERST A recent incident outside of an Amherst Brew Pub saw a soon-to-be DIV III simultaneously win and lose a drunken fight. The 2 a.m. altercation had been simmering for over three hours before coming to a head in the pizza and vomit covered street. “As soon as that Hampshire bozo walked in, I knew it was only a matter of time before we threw down,” said a UMASS frat boy from Watertown. “I didn’t like that fucking bandana around his neck, and I sure as shit didn’t like that New York hat,” he told reporters, adding, “Yankees suck! Yankees suck! Yankees suck!” The Hampshire student in question later told reporters he was surprised by the melee. “I’d just come out to drink some imported Belgian Ale and discuss Descartes. I wasn’t looking for any trouble.” However, as the frat boy’s AC/DC, Journey and Guns ‘n’ Roses domination of the juke box was interrupted by the Hampshire student’s ten dollar midnight selections of John Coltrane, Etta James and Django Reinhardt, tensions were at the boiling point. “I kept going outside for Marlboros, just waiting for him to show his face, but I guess that pussy doesn’t even smoke,” said the UMASS student. “I don’t smoke,” later explained the Hampshire student. The bartender’s loud cry of “last call” marked the beginning of the victory/defeat. “I got up to go, when I felt someone push me,” said the Hampshire student. “I turned around to show I was okay; I understand that different people have different ideas about personal space, and I didn’t want them to think I was inhibiting or oppressing their needs.” However, contrary to this stated supposition, the frat boy in fact wanted less space between them rather then more. “I crawled up in his grill and flat out asked him what his fucking problem was.” The Chimay brand Belgian Ale, which had earlier been been so delectably imbibed, seemed to have taken over, as the Hampshire student staggered away down the street and responded without thinking, “Can we not follow the example laid forth by Mohandas Karamchand Ghandi?” Enraged by the unpronounceable words, the UMASS student grabbed his adversary and asked, “What are you, a fucking faggot?” The Hampshire student, placing his arm on the shoulder of the frat boy for balance, strained his bloodshot eyes into focus. “I reject your labels of a binary sexuality.” Flattened by a cascade of hammering blows to the head, the Hampshire student lay prone and bloody in the gutter, musing that while he eschewed the very concept of competition, a victory as sweet as his would not soon be forgotten by any of the denizens of the bucolic Pioneer Valley.

STUDENT FROM FOREIGN COUNTRY SUCCESSFULLY PRETENDS TO BE POOR FRANKLIN PETERSON HALL Fellow classmates were tricked into believing that a wealthy student from a foreign country was actually as destitute as their stereotypes of people from that region are generally believed to be this afternoon, as the topic of his homeland came up during class discussion. “Yes, our people live a difficult life,” responded the student, seventh in line to the throne, who at home uses the term “my people” in describing the filthy dregs he unfortunately has to share the air with. “The squalor is heartbreaking, the living conditions unimaginable,” he added, truly unable to imagine the lifestyles of 99.9% of his countrymen, whom is barricaded off from by a personal cadre of armed guards and the 12 foot high barbed wire and broken glass topped security wall surrounding his family’s 1,200 acre summer villa. After class a group of the domestic students asked the foreigner to accompany them on a trip to a pizzeria. “I’d love to really,” said the student from the impoverished nation, “But I don’t have any money on me,” which was partially true, as he had yet to cash the $6,417 dollar monthly check his parents had sent him. “Dude, forget about it, we’ve got you covered,” said one of his classmates tenderly, making sure everyone noticed the concerned and heartfelt generous gesture she was selflessly making. However, callous dissension was made as others in the pizza party met in the off campus parking lot. “Wait, he’s coming too? Let me guess, he’s not paying, again,” cruelly added the group’s chauffeur as the clique entered his car. He soon received an elbow to the ribs and and a terse whisper in the ear. “Shut up, asshole! Don’t you know where he’s from?”

REVOLUTION NOT TELEVISED THE YURT Following previous generations’ political action at the Dakin House Office and the Cole Science building, a group calling itself Bourgeois Lesbians Organized Who Hasten Action for Re-raD (commonly known by their acronym B.L.O.W.H.A.R.D.), recently staged a take-over of yet another Hampshire College building. “We thought it was time to take action, and after our group spent nearly the entire semester divided into presidiums workshopping the best way to reach as many people as possible with our message, we finally decided on the radio station.” The take-over was non-violent, as the oddly shaped Yurt building had been vacant for god knows how long. The storming of the building had been scheduled for 2 p.m. sharp, but since the grumpy lady behind the desk at Pub Safety couldn’t find the seldom used Yurt key, the revolution started 37 minutes behind schedule. Unfolding their list of demands, the activists immediately began urgently broadcasting their agenda, though because the self appointed revolutionary deputy director of communications faded up the “IMAC” and “DJ mix” controls, rather than the the “DJ 2” controls, items 1-9 of the 22 part manifesto were not broadcasted live. The immediate response of the direct political action was nearly universal. “Yeah, I heard something about that. I thought it was cool what they were doing, so I supported them by not attending, and instead staying in my mod and listening in on my computer,” said a fellow traveler. “At 2, I went to yurt.hampshire.edu, then went to my itunes, went to the ‘advanced’ menu, went to the ‘open stream’, typed in the URL http://radio.hampshire.edu.8000, but didn’t hear anything, so I went to youtube.com and watched that video about shoes again instead,” said the student, adding, “These shoes are mine, betch!”

ENTERTAINMENT: JEOPARDY! Hampshire Edition

The Categories: Current Hampshire Presidents DIV IIIs Middle class student “radicals”

Answer: Installed central air in his free-of-charge house and had stables built for his Arabian horses while overbooked students lived in hotels five miles from campus, tuition was raised, classes grew larger and Hampshire moved away from it’s original educational intent.

Answer: This group learned how to think of the poor in a dehumanizing way, relegating any contact or sense of obligation to help into mere abstract policy sloganeering.

Answer: This group will move to either San Francisco or Williamsburg, Brooklyn after graduation, and “play poor” as they live in relative hipster comfort while waiting for their trust funds to mature

GRADUATION 2007 BITTER ASSED DIV ONES AND TWOS HAPPY THESE BITTER ASSED DIV THREES ARE GRADUATING AND GETTING THE FUCK OUT OF HERE See I FIND THEIR LEVEL OF POMPOSITY CONTEMPTIBLE, Page Ostentatious

PROFESSOR PLEASED WITH RESULTS OF SPRING SEMESTER; EVEN HAPPIER KNOWING SHE WILL NEVER HAVE TO SEE THAT TALKATIVE KID EVER AGAIN International News, Section Y, Page 49

OF THE 3000 WORDS USED IN STUDENT’S FINAL ORAL PRESENTATION, 73% CONSISTED OF THE WORDS “UM,” “LIKE,” “OR SOMETHING,” &amp; “YOU KNOW” See I SPENT MORE TIME BITCHING ABOUT IT THAN WRITING IT, page I’ll do it later

GRADUATING STUDENT WHO SPENT 3-1/2 YEARS COMPLAINING ABOUT THOSE FUCKING ASSHOLES WHO CONSTANTLY RANG THAT STUPID BELL SPENDS HIS LAST TWO WEEKS AT HAMPSHIRE CONSTANTLY RINGING SAID BELL See I’M A FINAL SEMESTER DIV ME!, page Honestly, we don’t care

FINALLY, AFTER FOUR YEARS OF CONSTANT TRAINING, STUDENT PERFECTS THE ART OF WRITING A CREDIBLE ACADEMIC PAPER; A SKILL THAT WILL NEVER, EVER BE USED AGAIN IN HER LIFE, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES, EVER. See A COLLEGE DEGREE PREPARES YOU FOR THE REAL WORLD, page $43,000

THE BLACK SHEEP “WITH FREEDOM COMES THE RESPONSIBILITY OF NOT EXERCISING THAT FREEDOM” VOL. 22, Spring 07 Edition No. VII
Breaking News... STUDENT DOESN’T REALLY LOVE YOU As the end of the semester approaches, a second year student came to the realization that her college friend of two years may not truly love her. “She says it, but now I’m not so sure,” was the statement released by the skeptic. An investigative report launched by the Black Sheep found no such truth to the non-loving charges, in fact, overwhelming evidence to the contrary was found after only two hours of undercover reporting. After missing an lunch appointment at the Bridge Cafe with the doubter that she had sworn she would not miss, the supposedly “non-amorous” student was overheard making a cell phone call. “Hey! It’s me! I’m just here in SAGA and wondering what you were doing. Call me back when you get this message, okay? I love you!” Having earlier promised to meet the aporetic student in her own Greenwhich room at 6 p.m., the “hater” instead went across campus to the Prescott modular apartments, where she left a post-it note on an upstairs door which read, “I wasn’t doing anything this afternoon, so I thought I’d drop by. Luv Ya!” Final proof of the student’s unnecessarily questioned ardency came later that night. Failing to deliver on a promised midnight ride back from the UMASS library, she instead left a 12 a.m. facebook wall message, which simply read, “I love you!!!”

INSIDE THIS ISSUE: STUDENT NOT 100% CONVINCED VOCALIST IN CAMPUS PUNK BAND IS ACTUALLY SINGING WORDS IN ANY KNOWN EARTH LANGUAGE See BASH SHOO AH, MAH FO-GAN DA, PO ANAHKEY!!! Page Oi!

STUDENT INADVERTENTLY DISHES JUICY SWORN-TO-SECRECY CONFIDED DRAMA OF “BEST FRIEND” ON FACEBOOK, FRIENDSTER, MYSPACE, DAILY JOLT, MSN MESSENGER AND HOTMAIL See pg OH MY GOD, YOU CAN’T TELL ANYONE, BUT DID YOU HEAR ABOUT THIS?

STUDENT WHO DERIDES ALL RELIGIONS AND “FAITH” AS UNSCIENTIFIC EXTOLS UNIFYING STRING THEORY BASED ON ELEVEN DIMENSIONS See NO, THIS IS MORE PLAUSIBLE...WHY? BECAUSE I BELIEVE IN IT, page THEORY

RESEARCH REVEALS THAT THE WORD “LIBRARY” DOES NOT IN FACT MEAN A GATHERING PLACE TO GIGGLE, TALK ON YOUR CELL AND GOSSIP LOUDLY, pg.7

the BLACK SHEEP’S LITERARY JOURNAL PRESENTS ...a blood curdling journey into terror and disbelief... HAMPSHIRE COLLEGE TALES OF ASTONISHMENT! By guest columnist Sheltered McRich the Suburbanite As someone who celebrates diversity, I was astonished to find upon my arrival at Hampshire College that there were students who have other beliefs and habits that differ from mine. For example, I don’t smoke, but there are many people here (okay, a majority) who do! I just don’t get it. I don’t smoke, so why should others? It is my belief that in a free and open society we should legislate people’s behavior so that things that are deemed harmful, or that I don’t like myself, are outlawed. Just because there are more people on this planet who smoke than believe in god, I myself don’t, and neither should they. Speaking of god, why doesn’t everyone believe in Jesus? I do. You wanna know something else? There are a bunch of Hampshire people (okay a majority) who eat meat! That’s gross. Just because mother nature gave us teeth specifically designed to tear the flesh of other animals off their bodies, other teeth to grind that meat up for us to swallow and internal organs and acids to digest it doesn’t make it right. You need iron? Just eat 600 pounds of seaweed a week, that’s what I do! Speaking of the sea, animals from there are okay to eat. Whether they are caught on a hook through the mouth or scooped up in a net and then suffocated, it’s okay to eat their flesh; they don’t have the type of nervous system that makes it cruel to eat them. Politics. Now that’s a touchy subject around here, but it doesn’t have to be. I think we can all agree that freeing Tibet is pretty important; I mean, the Beastie Boys are for it, so what else do you need? I don’t need to know anything about Sino-Tibetan history, politics, geography, culture or anything like that, just go ahead and free it already!!! Boy, I’m getting pretty worked up here! I need a vacation in Hawai’i! Man, am I ever glad we annexed those islands! But back to business; there’s a presidential election coming up, and I think it is really important that we all go out and vote. Remember, even though it is only a body of people you never voted for called the electoral college that gets to decide who will be the next president, YOUR VOTE COUNTS! I know it is hard to keep up with all the various candidates and their positions, so just do what I do! Only check out the Democrats, and if there’s a woman, well, your decision is pretty much already made for you, right? Oh yeah, we should all fight the racism of people who don’t like other people solely because of their skin pigment by making friends with as many people as you can based solely on their skin pigment. Black people should make more white friends and vice versa. And if you see a Latino, or Asian, or Native American, be extra friendly. Exotification not only brings us closer together, it makes you cool! So, in closing, don’t smoke! Don’t eat meat! Free Tibet! Vote for Hillary! We need to fight back against the conservatives and their fascism, and if we all work together to be exactly identical in our actions, morals and thoughts, what a wonderfully diverse world we could live in!

THE BLACK SHEEP “THE SEX ISSUE! NOW WITH 38% MORE SEXY SEX!” VOL. 21, Spring 07 Edition No. VI
Breaking News... STUDENTS OF ALL PREFERENCES CAN’T WAIT FOR DRAG BALL It seems the entire campus is abuzz with talk of the annual Hampshire tradition where female students who aren’t turned on by men and prefer the company and love of other women dress like men, and male students who aren’t turned on by women and prefer the love and company of other men dress like women, all under the garishly decorated and disco infused SAGA back dining room. Heterosexuals are also gearing up for the lavish event by planning to act like the mainstream’s negative stereotype of homosexuals. “Drag ball is the one day I get to truly show my unabashed feelings on homosexuality. It’ll be great fun, no matter how offensive or clichéd those feelings may be,” said a straight male, who plans to dress like the hyper-sexualized heterosexual male “Playboy-esque” ideal of a lesbian woman, accessorized with the accented stereotypical “limp wrist” of a gay male. “I love drag ball!” said a straight woman, her eyes alight with eager anticipation. “Really, I just love gay clubs in general. I can go there and dance and really get into it, you know, totally let loose, without worrying about some skeezy guy I would never want to sleep with in a million years being all sexual and rubbing up against me.” She didn’t notice the tone of irony in a gay man’s voice, as he mockingly nodded his head in agreement. “Yeah, I can’t wait until a bunch of straight girls in skimpy outfits with their boobies hanging out all over the place start grinding against me on the dance floor in SAGA. It’ll be totally liberating.”

INSIDE THIS ISSUE: SELF-PROCLAIMED MALE FEMINIST WHO “LOVES WOMEN” REGULARLY PUZZLED WHY IT’S SO HARD TO NAIL THESE CRAZY HAMPSHIRE BITCHES See I LIKE HER POSITION ON STIENEM...AND HER GIANT RACK, pg. Holy Jesus!

BELITTLING, UPTIGHT, EXCLUSIONARY, DEMEANINGLY SARCASTIC, POLITICALLY ANGRY STUDENT FOR SOME REASON CAN’T FIND A DATE See NICE HAIR STYLE...NO REALLY, I LIKE IT A WHOLE, WHOLE, LOT Page 84

MALE STUDENT’S SECRET CRUSH ON A “PERFECT 10” INSTANTANEOUSLY TURNS TO A “2” WHEN HE SEES HER RAISE HER ARMS TO STRETCH, REVEALING MORE ARMPIT HAIR THAN A FLEET OF GREEK FISHERMEN See DO YOUR PART FOR THE WAR EFFORT BY CONSERVING RAZORS, pg. Freedom

AFTER APPLYING A CONDOM, DENTAL DAM, GLOVES, LUBE AND VERBALLY GAINING AGREEMENT WHILE FILLING OUT A CONSENT FORM UNDER THE WATCHFUL GAZE OF THREE EYEWITNESSES, STUDENT FEELS THAT THE SPONTANEITY OF SEXUAL INTERCOURSE SEEMS TO HAVE BECOME LOST See page I’M THE KINDA...THAT YOU WANNA

REPORTS OF WOMEN RUNNING AROUND CAMPUS NAKED IN THE THROES OF INSATIABLE LUST SKYROCKET AFTER SIGHTINGS OF MALES ADORNED WITH GRAY HOODIES, BACKWARDS BASEBALL CAPS AND UNSHAVEN FACES See page NO, NO, PLEASE! TOO SEXY, ANTONIO!! TOO SEXY!!!

STUDENT DECIDES TO GO BEST OUT OF THREE AFTER FLIPPING A COIN TO DECIDE IF (HEADS) SHE’S TOTALLY FUCKING HOT, OR (TAILS) SHE’S TOTALLY FUCKING INSANE See SHE REMINDS ME OF SOMEONE...page ANGELINA JOLIE

THIS JUST IN!!! FIVE COLLEGE STUDENT VOWS NEVER TO DATE HAMPSHIRE GUYS AGAIN HAMPSHIRE BUS CIRCLE A female UMASS student recently held a press conference to announce to the greater Pioneer Valley that she would no longer be dating males who are currently attending (or have at any time in the past been enrolled at) Hampshire College. Reporters had been speculating on the official announcement ever since the demise of her five week romantic relationship last Wednesday. “At first it was cool, even a little thrilling. The guys there are so much different, you know?” she told reporters. “I remember our first night together. We’d gone to see a screening on his campus about trans-gendered orphans in the Maoist guerilla held mountains of Bhutan. You just don’t DO that with fraternity dudes. Anyway, kinda out of the blue, he invited me back to his moldy eight sided dorm-house thingie. We made out for like a half an hour, and I can still remember what he said to me when I left, ‘You’ve just passed DIV One.’ Not really sure what that meant.” However, as the relationship progressed through “DIV Two” and ultimately “DIV Three”, the UMASS student began to notice problems almost immediately. “The morning after we first made love, I awoke to find Todd had already left. However, on the night stand I found a note.” At first surmised to be a love letter, the actual contents proved to be a harbinger of the troubles ahead. “He left me a four page ‘eval’ of my ‘performance’ to date,” she recounted. “I was all like, ‘What the fuck?’” Nine days later, the “evals” suddenly stopped. “We’d be in bed together, and I’d be all like trying to create a mood. Todd’d just roll over and be all like ‘Why don’t you try an ‘independent study?’ It took me a week to figure out he meant masturbation.” Though holding no grudges against this particular student per se, the UMASS student decided it would be in her best interests to avoid any future romantic entanglements at 893 West Street. “I don’t wanna go through all that mumbo-jumbo again. I just wanna play beer pong and get laid, you know?”

THE BLACK SHEEP “JUST LIKE THE VIETNAMESE WAR, EXCEPT EASIER TO SPELL AND WITH A q” VOL. 20, Spring 07 Edition No. V
Breaking News... STUDY REVEALS WHITE PEOPLE GETTING WHITER The Black Sheep recently chilled with a white homie who agreed to answer a series of questions we axed him. Gently holding his oversized beltless pants up at pubic hair level, his white butt crack glistening in the sun, he was queried as to where he drew his style. Stubbing out his Phillie Blunt, he disinterestedly answered, “Mainly from da streets (later research revealed these streets to in fact be a cul de sac off the avenues Pleasant and Elm) and from music, yo.” The mean years of his youth, a privileged, suburban, homogeneously Caucasian middle class background which left him with plenty of free time to peruse music television and the internet in order to keep abreast of the latest trends made popular by hip hop entertainers, deeply affected and molded the student. These roughnecks and gangstas, who, having gained a modicum of success, escaped their underprivileged backgrounds, and left the slums they glorify to live in giant mansions in fashionable high rent districts of metropolitan areas where they live and behave exactly like the white oppressors they rail against, “told it like is was for people like us, you feel me?” Informing the interviewer that he had to meet up with his posse and that he intended to bounce, the student agreed to a final question. Asked if he expects to always co-op the lower class youth culture, whose desperation and authenticity he could never begin to comprehend, and thus remain this hip and cool, the white student nodded ascension with a confidently serene face, saying, “Fashizzle, mah nizzle.”

INSIDE THIS ISSUE: STORY TOLD BY LOUD, SHRIEKING GIRLS NOT NEARLY AS HYSTERICAL AS THE SONIC DIN THEY MAKE WOULD LEAD YOU TO BELIEVE See AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! pg. Ha!

NON-SMOKING STUDENTS WHO KNOW THEY WILL NEVER GET CANCER STICK FACES 1/2 INCH AWAY FROM MICROWAVE DOOR TO “WATCH” FOOD COOK See page YOU’VE GOT CANCER

STUDENT THAT FILLS OUT TAX FORMS TO QUALIFY FOR GOVERNMENT LOANS AND WHO WILL EVENTUALLY SPEND 173,000 DOLLARS ON FOUR YEAR UNDERGRADUATE EDUCATION REFERS TO HIMSELF AS AN “ANARCHIST” See page I HAVE THE CIRCLE A PATCH I BOUGHT TO PROVE IT

“ETHNICALLY NEUTRAL SHEEP” SUCCESSFULLY BLASTS GIANT WHOLE IN EGO A recent parody of the Black Sheep, which chronicles overblown hyperbole and egos, was recently sent up by a disgruntled student. “The Ethnically Neutral Sheep”, driven by ego and using hyperbole, brilliantly blasted the Black Sheep. “I thought it was time for someone to take that publication down a notch,” said the student who courageously printed the parody without any indication of their identity. Perspicacious in it’s use of vindictive personal attacks, the undirivative new publication quickly brought the offending Black Sheep to it’s knees. “Step one was to completely confuse the extremely obvious purpose of the April Fools day edition of the Black Sheep to use my ego to point out egotism.” Winning a smashing opening blow, the ENS then began a salvo on the irrelevance of the BS. “I pointed out how the empty words of the Black Sheep changes nothing. I really felt I changed a lot by doing that.” Fearing becoming too cerebral, the ENS then made a fat joke. “I still put in something about egos though, just to show through my clever brilliance of a “beached whale” reference, I was clearly one-upping them.” Fearing that the assault may be losing steam, the ENS continued on with succinct “headlines” of first four, then six, then seven and finally eight lines. “The key to quick wit is to be as long winded as possible,” said the satirist. “That, and to print individual’s names, to make unwarranted connections to racist organizations, seven line rambling references to haircuts, and then to totally slam them and their unoriginality by imitating them.” Eschewing irony and humor, the facetious lampoon drove the point home with a quizzically veiled reference to San Francisco, commentary on racist graffiti somehow aligned with ageist musings on cinema from twenty years ago, and a jocular nod to ice cream. Triumphant in victory, the author of the Ethnically Neutral Sheep spent the lunch rush checking the dining hall tables to hear the reaction of her subjugation of the Black Sheep. “Did you like how I smashed his ego?” she asked readers. “I did that. Me.”

HETEROSEXUAL WHITE MALE PRIVILEGE POINTED OUT An impassioned in-class diatribe of generalistic clichés was interrupted yesterday by an alternative point of view, causing considerable consternation to the person dominating the “conversation”. Shocked that not only would someone interrupt her concise summation of U.S. foreign policy (“It’s fucking whack”) but that someone would even “go there” and question her blanket statement that “the world would be a better place if women ran it”; the student was dumbstruck into silence when a student managed to speak in between a momentary pause for breath, saying, “Well, Sirimavo Bandaranaike, Indira Ghandi, Golda Meir and Margaret Thatcher were all women, and I don’t think they acted any differently than men in regards to foreign policy or war. Isn’t this really about power and privilege?” Seen muttering after class, “What does he even know about being oppressed? He’s straight, for chrissake,” asked the female student, who, ever since taking a one-time-only 93 second dare to kiss another female at a high school kegger, no longer defines herself as heterosexual. “For some of us, it’s not that easy.” Using her GPS unit to navigate the Pioneer Valley’s back roads on her trip to Noho to buy expensive coffee in a car her parents had bought for her, the student turned down her ipod, and used her hands-free cellular telephone head set in order to retell the event to a friend, adding retorts she thought of walking to her car following the 1 p.m. class in question. After listening to the four minute overview of the embellished dreamed of conversation that never happened, her friend seemed pleased. “You told him that?” replied her friend, “You are so freakin’ awesome!”

THE WHITE SHEEP APRIL 1, 2007 VOL. 19, Spring 07 Edition No. IV
Breaking News... LOUNGING AROUND IN MOD COMMON AREA PONTIFICATING POLITICS AND URGENTLY UTTERING EMPTY PHRASES LIKE “WE SHOULD REALLY DO SOMETHING ABOUT THAT” MIRACULOUSLY CHANGES THE ENTIRE WORLD See SEXISM, RACISM, HOMOPHOBIA AND HUNGER OFFICIALLY DEAD page 2

INSIDE THIS ISSUE: THOSE 14 BONG HITS A DAY REALLY STARTING TO PAY OFF ACADEMICALLY See page WAIT...DUDE...WHAT?

ALL’S WELL THAT ENDS WELL AFTER TWENTY EIGHTH CONSECUTIVE TRIP TO SAGA DINING COMMONS IS TAKEN WITHOUT IDENTITY CARD; BRAIN See I GO TO RESTAURANTS ALL THE TIME WITHOUT MONEY, DON’T YOU? pg. $$$

IN A MODERATE TONE, STUDENT RELATES LINEAR STORY OF HOW SPRING BREAK WAS SPENT DRINKING ALCOHOL RESPONSIBLY See BARE BREASTS AND BEADED BAUBLES page Ballyhoo

STUDENT’S FACE BREAKS INTO A WIDE SMILE AS HE LOOKS OVER HIS FRIENDS, KNOWING THAT THERE IS NO WAY HE’S GOING TO FORGET EVERY SINGLE ONE OF THESE PEOPLE WITHIN 18 MONTHS OF GRADUATING See page BF4EVA

LAZY, SURLY ATTITUDE OF STUDENT EMPLOYEES ADDS THAT FINAL PERFECT SEASONING TO OVERPRICED PANINIS See OF ALL MY 11 P.M. DINING OPTIONS ON CAMPUS, I CHOOSE THE BRIDGE pg. 7

INTERNATIONAL GAY PEOPLE OF COLOR MOD REALLY THINKS THERE SHOULD BE A DOMESTIC STRAIGHT CAUCASIAN MOD NEXT SEMESTER See HEY, LET’S ALL SELF-SEGREGATE page Understanding through exposure &amp; interaction

20 YR. OLD T.A. OVERWHELMED EVERY MONDAY AND WEDNESDAY EVENING IN LIBRARY BY MAD CRUSH OF STUDENTS SEEKING HER SAGE WISDOM See I BARELY HAVE TIME TO CHECK MY EMAIL &amp; DRAW DOODLES pg. Oracle